Lost

Hiked again today, first a couple of miles on my own, birding, and then another few miles with Suze. I'd never been to the quarry in the wintertime, and decided to check it out for waterfowl. The usually empty gully you need to cross to get to the quarry has turned into a creek. One that's too wide to jump over. Dammit.

I found my way across with the help of a couple of stepping stones, though. The sun's angle highlighted the water and pine trees, and it made the red clay soil just brilliant. No birds, though. Ah well. I crossed back over the stream and almost fell backwards into the water. On my ass. Hiking back to the parking lot, I considered how well I'd be able to survive in the woods for a day or so with what I had on me if I broke an ankle.

Inventory of what I was carrying/wearing:
Binoculars
Sibley's guide
Grinch Hands
Cashmere hat #1
Cashmere hat #2
Bandanna
Tank top
Bra
Base layer
Cashmere sweater
Jeans
Underwear
Wool/cotton socks
Hooded waterproof shell
LED keychain
Lighter
Cell phone*

What I didn't have:
Water
Food

Even taking the phone out of the equation (cause that makes it way too easy), I was pretty happy with what I came up with.

Observations of note:
I could use the Sibley's guide and a lighter to start a fire (sad, but worth it). There's a lot of dead wood.
The LED keychain is a wondrous thing.
I'm glad I have warm head coverings.
Wettish leaves would be a good smoke creator.
I know the SOS morse code. I think. Smoke signals. Cool.
I'd drink stream water, risking contaminants.
There's wild ginger, so I could chew on the roots.
Can I catch a squirrel? I don't have a knife. I wonder if I could gut it with my hands. Would it skin easily? Maybe I could just burn the fur off?
I bet if I had to, I could break my binoculars to get to the lens.

Yah. It was a fun hike.

*Which I lost later. And then found again. Whew.

Rainy Day fun

I've been curious for a long time about eventually buying a house, I have today off, and it's raining. So just for kicks, I'm going to drive around to see (from the curb!) some houses listed for sale right now. Call it research.

Ideally I'd be wanting: no HOA, sunny enough yard for a garden, 3 Br and 2 Ba (for a roommate plus guest room), safe neighborhood, wouldn't make my commute more than 40 minutes one way, walkable, not stuck up, hardwoods, non-horrible kitchen, fenced yard, blahdity blah blah. They're mostly negotiable, these desires, but that list I gave tends to descending order of importance.

Neighborhoods I'm familiar with: Northgate Park (Hi Cristin!), Duke Park, Old West Durham, Watts Hillandale, Tuscaloosa/Lakewood, Forest Hills, Hope Valley, Trinity Park, Trinity Heights. Other areas that might be OK would be the Cole Mill area, around the intersection of Sparger and Hillsborough....

Any other ideas? Tell me about some nice neighborhoods here in Durham!

ME ME ME ME ME ME MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

The last few years I've thrown my own birthday parties. I decided to do that when I realized that, unlike many other people, I really dig having a big celebration and people to surround me and make a (minor) fuss. I don't get that very often, so it feels really good.

I'd spent the prior few birthdays before very down, and even alone. So I changed that. It was a little weird and self-centered feeling (that, and people don't seem to understand what "no presents" means, creating both guilt and glee), but I got over that.

The next b-day is coming up, and this time I just don't have it in me to throw a party. I don't want to clean the house before and after. That, and it's on a Monday. Blech.

I see I'm not the only one with the Birthday Quandary.

(This is not a "throw me a party!" post. Nonetheless, if you have any ideas of alternate ways I can celebrate, please let me know.)

Forgive the spelling...

Wanna hear something depressing?

I was listening to NPR today, and one of the commenters/hosts/whatever asked the other one what s/he thought about the Jena 6 situation, given that the latter was African-American. I think Host 1 framed it in a "what have y'all been hearing around dinner tables" kind of way. Host 2 answered, and I recall being a) annoyed on Host 2's behalf for being treated like THE speaker for the African-American community and b) surprised at my own reaction to learning Host 2's race.

I guess with radio I really don't think about the person unless they have a non-standard voice or name or both.

Silvia Pugioli (if that's how it's spelled) is one that DOES stand out. I picture her with long, grey-flecked hair, tied back and with a scarf on one shoulder folded in a triangle. She's olive-skinned and doesn't much do makeup. Age 55ish.

There's also a Latina woman who doesn't anglicize the pronunciation of her name. I think she's based in California. I could google it, but that would take too much effort, and effort is one thing I'm lacking right now. I perceive her as younger--30s. (Shit. It bothered me too much. I'm referring to Lourdes Garcia-Navarro).

Diane Rheem (See? Radio makes you illiterate, too! I have no idea how any of these names are written) has a distinctive voice, as does the guy who does The Connection, oops I mean The Story--Dick Gordon, innit? Karl Castle, too.

I have no idea what any of them look like. I felt weird for not knowing that Host 2 was black. I felt bad that I lacking other identifying information I was assuming all of these people were white. (I also picture them as beautiful, despite the phrase a face made for radio). And they almost without exception are in their 50s. Not Karl Castle, he's older. As an aside, I'm purposely NOT looking names up for spelling, in order to make a point, and it will annoy me if you "correct" me. I'll likely look them up myself, to try to alleviate the extra-super annoyance I'm already feeling. (Thanks, Current Strong Bout of Depression!)

I haven't gotten to the depressing part yet. That came when I googleimagesearched Host 2 to see what s/he looked like.

Way too many sites linking to a picture of Host 2 were racist, bigoted, right wing, wackjob outfits. I know NPR is considered lefty among the freaky conservative set, but this host is being attacked mostly just for being black. I know it happens. I guess I just have been successful in avoiding people and places that are so fucked up as to impugn someone based on race. These websites felt purely evil...I wanted to wash my hands afterwards, I felt so dirty.

I just went back to see if my emotional memory of this imagesearch matched with my currently cooler head. It doesn't. In fact, it sounds like this host is pretty much reviled by sectors in both the white and black communities.

I guess my point is that racial issues are weird and people who judge based on race piss me off. And that it pisses me off about myself that I do it, too, in assuming whiteness based on name and voice only. It's a little thing, and I'm not exactly down on myself about it, but it did piss me off about the world.

But then again, I'm either pissed off, overwhelmed, pissing others off, fleeing personal interaction, extremely sensitive, and/or crying these days.

Poke Poke

If I haven't actually said this yet, I've at least been thinking it for the last week. Come early December, my nose turns into a high-maintenance itch factory. There's not much as far as output goes, but considering the time you spend there, you'd hope it would at least bring some kind of benefit.

But no. The nose just cracks on the inside and then bleeds. They're not the OMG-I-got-hit nosebleeds where you try to remember whether you're supposed to tilt your head forward or back. No, it's nowhere near that bad. There's constant itch plus an eense of blood that staunches pretty easily with some pressure. It is disconcerting, though.

I just wanted to bitch about that. Thanks.

To live by

Don't wing the pectin to sugar ratio.
Ground cayenne pepper stings when it enters your eyes.
Shoe polish is undervalued.
Expect to leave Costco very full.
Fresh air cures many an ill.
Grief crosses species boundaries. So does love.
Butter always; margarine never.
Sisterhood is more powerful than many other bonds.
Tea is best when it's overcast.
If you're scared to go to a party alone, go anyway.

Image

I've begun wearing makeup most days. Makeup as in moisturizer, foundation, powder, eyeshadow and mascara. Often lipstick. I feel like I look the better for it. It's a concession to age, though. I never used to have any need for evening out my skin. The foundation is both what seems to make the most difference and also is the saddest.

I might add more onto this entry in a bit, but for now I'm going out for breakfast with my Emily.

Momentary Lapse

Am currently mourning the man who(m)* I've not been seeing for a few weeks now. It was truly a flash in the pan and caused more angst than anything, so this minor grief is annoying.

Actually, it's not the loss of the man that's got me down; it's the loss of the hope, promise and possibility that came along with him.

He wasn't the right guy, and now he seems to be unresponsive to any communication at all. That's probably for the best, but it hurts nonetheless. It's actually what I wanted. I deleted his phone number, de-friended him on social networking sites, and deleted him from my IM list. But...I put him back on the IM list. I've tried a couple of times to IM him a "hey, how's it going" IM, but he doesn't IM back to me.

Maybe I should be grateful for that?

I'm writing this down so that I can take note of how I react when disappointed about situations that don't resolve themselves the way I'd like--at least when it comes to the Dave Neuhauses of the world.

It's like I feel like I'll NEVER meet anyone. Damnit. I know that's not true. Y'all are sick of hearing it. I think it a lot. Often I don't. I'm feeling like I lost a little bit of hope and perhaps more importantly, confidence.

Sigh.


*I hate the word whom. It's so damn pretentious sounding, and yet I feel compelled to show the world I know how to use it. Grrrrrrrr.

Speaking of things wet...

As of this coming Friday, my city is implementing stricter water restrictions. Hey, I'm all for it, but there's little on the list that I'm not already doing. I don't wash my car at all (it's noticeable), and I even parcel out the toilet flushes, as long as I don't have company. I recently witnessed a tooth-brusher leave the water running, and I lasted all of 20 seconds, maybe, before compulsively interrupting the tooth-brusher by turning off the tap.

Some of the restrictions make me cringe. Why do we need to remind people that washing off concrete is unnecessary? Do that many people regularly hose down their patios, sidewalks and driveways?

Related tangent: A couple of years ago, there were some acute water problems that led a nearby restaurant to switch to disposable plates, cups, silverware and such. The motivation for the change seemed to be that minimizing water used on dish washing would be a Good. Thing.

Is it?

I hate how hard it is to get enough information to make choices that work as best as possible with my beliefs and personal limitations. Water conservation or tree conservation? Paper or plastic? Local food or Ethical food?

Some of these choices are easy, of course. All other thing being equal, I'd choose to conserve trees AND water. Use no bag at all. Eat local food produced ethically.

But not all things are ever equal. I went to the grocery store this weekend for something other than milk for the first time since the Farmer's market and my garden ramped up. I bought a $1 cauliflower. A $7 beef roast. A $1 pound of carrots. A $3 5-lb bag of potatoes. Onions, when there aren't any available locally. (I was craving pot roast, can you tell? Oh, CROCK POT!)

It felt really wrong to do these things, but I was seduced by the price. The cauliflower is what really got me angry. ONE DOLLAR. *If* I can coax the cauliflowers I've planted to actually produce, they've already cost at least twice that. Economy of scale.

And what's with the damn limitations on watering applying to vegetable gardens, anyway?

Oh, and BTW, aren't I cute? Modest, too.

Open Book

I forget just how much of myself I put out into the world via this blog, until a new person I know or am getting to know begins to read. I looked back at some of my entries from a number of months ago, and WOW did I have a bad year last year!

Up and up and up--that's where things always eventually head, given enough time and perseverance, isn't it? Ebb and flow...

I bought some cheap plastic kites yesterday. They're in the shape of birds--wood duck and peregrine falcon.

I'm happy today.

World Without End

First communion? Yes.
Confirmation? No.
Current belief? No.

David, Maria's partner, grabbed me on Sunday when I came into the house for some water.

"Stew, are you catholic?"

"Um....kind of?"

"Tell me about the rosary"

So I did. I dug deep into my repressed conscious and pictured my mom's coral colored beads with their tarnished silver crucifix. I had them hanging on my wall in my last house. I wonder where they are now.

"Well, there's a bunch of beads, 10 in a row, and for each bead you say a Hail Mary. Then there's a space and you say some little prayer there that I don't remember. Then there's a bigger bead, and that's an Our Father. And then eventually when you get down to the cross, there're some other prayers you do. "

I was actually pretty impressed that I remembered that much. What really shocked me, though, is that David couldn't recite the Hail Mary at all.

Hailmaryfullofgracethelordiswiththee blessedartthouamongwomenandblessedisthefruitofthywombjesus holymarymotherofgodprayforussinnersnowandatthehourofourdeathamen

Never did it occur to me that only Catholics would really know that prayer.

So that piqued my curiosity...I looked up the rosary and was pretty fascinated at how complicated that particular ritual is. I just remembered it as a penance for the one time I confessed.





Image yoinked from here.

I never did like math

I have two 4' x 10' raised beds, which totals 80 square feet of garden.

It's fall planting time.

For the last hour or so I've been trying to figure out how to lay out my garden. I have made my own grid paper, listed the crops I want, and listed the number of inches apart they have to be. Spacing information comes from the NC cooperative extension. Any calculation errors, not surprisingly, are mine.

Carrots 2" 36/sq foot
Radishes 2" 36/sq foot
Turnips 2" 36/sq foot
Garlic 4" 9/sq foot
Onions 4" 9/sq foot
Rutabaga 4" 9/sq foot
Lettuce 6" 4/sq foot
Cabbage 12" 1/sq foot

These are the fillers. Cause they can all be shoved into one square foot.

But these other ones confound me:

Broccoli 18"
Cauliflower 18"
Brussels sprouts 20"

Do those 18" ones mean I need to , at least theoretically, have one plant per 9 square feet? That would give it 18" from all sides. That's what it must mean. Wow. Do I really want these big veggies?

Something is wrong with my plan. Tell me what it is. If you'd like, sketch me out a plan and email it to me! (la to the stewie at the gmail)

________________________

To do:

Rip out beans
Rip out dill
Rip out (sniff) pink beefsteaks (damn blight)
Till and amend soil in East bed
Till cucumber area of West bed and amend.

Plant as soon as you know what goes where!!

impulse control

Hi!

(waves furiously!)

I swear I'm not crazy! A little kooky, yeah, absolutely. Entirely open to the blog about things that are on my mind? Mostly. Not entirely, if you can imagine that, though.

Anyhoo, let's just stash that blip of horridness aside, why don't we? Chin up, cheerio, pull those bootstraps up!

(Yes, I have an appointment)

I had a thought this morning:

Savory bread pudding made from leftover pizza. Is there any way this could be done without being all soggy and nast?

Apparently the Carolina Hurricanes called my workplace, wanting to have a community relations opp or some such with some teens. The captain, according to my boss, who has season tickets, is single, cute, my age and has three kids. I'm thinking I'll be involved in this new relationship between our organizations!

Passing thought

The place I get my car's work done has a page at Car Talk. I've always had a bit of a crush on one of the guys there. Apparently I'm not alone, as one of the reviewers referred to him as Jim, the sexy, Zen mechanic.

Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

My computer is old. REALLY small amount of memory: 256 megs of RAM. That's 25% of what comes standard these days on the new version of my bottom of the (Apple) line laptop.

I'm not one to really give a shit about brands (she says, hypocritically, considering that she just copped to having a branded laptop). Used to be? Sure. Especially in high school it just thrilled me to have the right, popular *thing* whatever it was. In 1987 (shortly before dancing to the featured music at a horrible, and very empty at 9 p.m., disco), I purchased a (fake) Louis Vuitton purse, for example.

But I've changed, mostly. I look for the best quality at the lowest price.

So far? This post is very demonstrative of how my mind jumps from topic to topic. The reason I opened Blogger in the first place is that I'm in the middle of watching The Corporation. I've many thoughts about the documentary, and my old computer is making the watching kind of difficult. The DVD drive is sticky; I have to jerryrig the slot to allow the disks ingress and egress. This involves a moist Q-tip. I also max the memory out with one program. I can run Firefox to browse (for a while....then it hangs up and crashes) but not when I've got Mail or the DVD player open.

And so then I noticed that I was blathering on (as I do) about the computer being old and an Apple. And I digressed on to branding.

All of this jumbled mess of emotional reaction to the movie leads to my Official Review:

The Corporation made me mad and sad and ever more jaded about people and their motivations. I mean, it paints a picture of human nature that is SO bleak I wonder why anyone bothers to do anything.

Makes me e'er more interested in homesteading. Urban homesteading, I guess. (I have no response* to my use of the poetic "e'er")

By the way, I got the DVD at the library, where I had gone to try to check out Frontier House. Which is only on VHS at my public library. And was checked out.

The End.

*This is what we used to say to mean "Whatever!".

(... I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. )

:-s

I'm starting to get concerned that I'm *that* guy. The one who has three topics that he recycles over and over again. Who talks a little loud and then wonders why people scoot away. Who drags people over to look at how neat it is that my, I mean his, compost is cooking at about 140º.

It STEAMS, people!

My topics:
Work
Garden
Compost
Birds
Dog?
Anxiety/Depression
Lack of dating/companionship
Sex Ed

Lab Write up

Abstract:
Limited computer usage corresponds with a higher level of accomplishment, after one day. Multiple regression analysis showed an increase in chores outcome was significant (p=.00143). Minimizing access to the World Wide Web did negatively affect subject's (n=1) ability to access necessary information(1), however. Subject's reported anxiety levels fluctuated from none to major. Net mean of anxiety level was below standard. Chores outcome measured by number of loads of laundry put away (two), number of kitchens entirely clean (one), number of dishes washed (14), number of wastebaskets emptied (three), number of lawns mowed (one) and number of new compost heaps created (one). Subject reported no positive social interaction, however.

Further studies will address long-term sustainability of the project.

(1) A Betty Crocker Cookbook, ca. 1989 substituted for an online database to find a suitable pound cake recipe. Subject then added almond paste, almond extract (pure), and chocolate chips. No appropriate recipe was able to be found for acelgas.

It's all in my head

A lot of times, anticipation is more fun than an actual event.

Just now I wrote an email in response to this Craigslist ad. It has me giddy, like a little girl, or like a teenager with a crush. I love the thought of me, an apron on, wispy tendrils of my hair escaping from my bun and sticking to my sweaty forehead.

The apron is cotton. And it's where I'm putting the eggs. A goat nips my butt, and I turn around and scold her. (Nevermind that the goats and the chickens probably are not in the same section of a barn.)

ACTUALLY doing this scares me. I'm sure it's a lot of hard work. 90 chickens??? That's a hell of a lot of eggs to find. I explained in the email that I have two specific places to look to for technical support. Jamie, of course (not that I've even asked, but of course she'd be ok with a slightly panicked phone call about eggs) is one. My aunt, a livestock farmer, would be the other one.

What do you think??

Meanwhile, I've got to go pick up my newly-inspected car, which needs neither a timing belt quite yet nor any other major work done.

Substitute

May the 4th was 9 months not smoking. W00t! How did I forget?

In that nine months I've gone up, oh, two to three clothing sizes, which puts me distinctly in big girl territory for the first time ever. Oh, I've hovered on the edge before, yes indeedy, and now I have teetered over onto the other side.

Back when I was last almost plus-sized, I ended up losing 35 lbs and was truly skinny for a time. Circumstances were such that I needed exercise quite badly for other reasons, so I was working out 30 min twice a day. As a project, I also signed on to an eating plan, and over the course of a number of months I went down about 35 lbs.

And then I got laid off at my last health education gig and hired on at Evil U. And that job sucked. And I stopped exercising. And I ate Chik-Fil-A every day for lunch. And, not surprisingly, I gained weight. Since Aug 2005 I've gained 50 lbs. That is a TON! It's 15 lbs more than I had weighed before.

Sucky, huh?

It's actually not too, too bad, though.

Cause this not smoking thing? It's worth this weight. It's worth feeling crappy about my body size. It's worth having to buy all new clothes.

I'm scared, but it's coming up on the time where I now need to make the next change in my life. I seem to be motivated by not wanting to feel shitty. I feel shitty now. I feel ugly, weak and messy. I'm isolating myself.

So far in the last year I've a) gotten a much better job b) quit smoking and c) developed two really cool hobbies. I need to remember that that's a goodly amount of stuff! I have this tendency to be an all-or-nothing gal, usually tending to the "or nothing" side of things.

Hm.

Things left to work on: exercise, weight, partner.

(psssssssst...men here seem to be more tolerant of fatties than of smokers. also? i may have reached the age finally where they've gone through the inevitable divorce! there are more men on the market here than the last time i checked!)

Curiosity

When I lived in NY, I didn't know many people. In an attempt to meet people and be a little more engaged, I decided to take a community college course in American Sign Language. Now, mind you, I was depressed, undiagnosed and miserable at the time, BUT the experience really sucked. There were only a few people in it, they were weird, and it was really beyond basic in its level. I think I eventually stopped going.

Another time I tried a salsa dancing class. I think I may have written about this before, and I've certainly told many of my friends about the horrible teacher. She was kind of "woo" and seemed to take way too much pleasure in showing off rather than actually teaching. There were a lot of unnecessary flourishes. And she smelled really rank, too. I won't name her, because who knows who might be friends with her!

Anyway, I'm attending a training for work tomorrow at the state's headquarters for community colleges. In looking up directions, I got distracted by course offerings. They kind of fascinated me!

Some examples and my gut reaction to them: (Please excuse how the descriptions are cut off...that happened because I copied and pasted. I can't easily fix it)

Title: CRAB PROCESSING
Recommended Hours: 160
Maximum Hours: 192
Certification:

This course will enable the student to develop work skills necessary
for the removal of quality crabmeat from the whole crab, to learn to
develop speed and dexterity required to move the product quickly,
to develop individual personal hygiene and sanitation practices, to
understand and comply with Department of Environment, Health, and
Natural Resources regulations, and to become knowledgeable of the
seafood packaging and marketing process.  

My response: whoa. I never ever thought about the need to have that level of training!

Title: DATA ENTRY
Recommended Hours: 30
Maximum Hours: 36
Certification:

The student will learn to utilize computers to prepare screens for
data input, display error messages, enter data accurately and with
speed, verify data entered, and update and maintain data files.

My response: I feel really, really sorry for the people who need to take this class. (That's kind of mean, I know, but it's at least a genuine feeling)

Title: LEAN MANUFACTURING
Recommended Hours: 180
Maximum Hours: 216
Certification:

This course is designed to provide an introduction to the principles
and concepts of lean manufacturing including but not limited to
Kaizen, 5s, value stream mapping, Takt time, Paka-yoke, pull systems,
line balancing and Kanban.  Students will participate in simulations
of old and new lean manufacturing practices.  Upon completion,
the student will be able to compare old and lean practices with        
respect to total production, time to make first unit, rework, scrap
and work-in-progress.

My response: I hope this one has a language prerequisite!

Title: COPING WITH EMOTIONS
Recommended Hours: 12
Maximum Hours: 14
Certification:

This course is designed to prepare people engaged in the health
or mental health professions to cope with their own roller 
coaster of emotions and to recognize and respond appropriately
to those emotions in others.  The focus of the course is to prepare
participants to be able to create a healthy emotional response in any situation.  Included in this course is an examination of the source of emotions and an exploration into healthy ways of coping with irrational fears, negativity, and anger.

My response: Hmmmmm. I wonder if this one is cheap? And can you imagine the people taking it? Anyone interested in infiltrating? This could be fun to get a group of friends to go to!

Title: QUALITY OR ELSE!
Recommended Hours: 15
Maximum Hours: 18
Certification:

This is a course of study that introduces students to the new
philosophy of quality.  It will focus around a three-program video
series, "Quality or Else," that provides a candid, incisive
exploration of quality-what it means; strategies for achieving it;
examples of successful implementation; and their profound,
far-reaching economic and political implications for businesses and
industries vying for successes in this new "age of quality".
*
This is a standard off the shelf copyrighted program that must run
under this title.

My response: I love their disclaimer at the end. The "Or ELSE" kind of turns me off, too!

Title: UPHOLSTERY
Recommended Hours: 260
Maximum Hours: 312
Certification:

Students will learn all of the skills necessary to secure an entry
level position in the commercial upholstery field.  Students are
taught the entire process, from tearing down the old piece through
rebuilding the frames, up to the restoration of the piece.   

My response: This is one that sounds cool, but is probably really boring after about two classes.

Title: DESAIROLOGY
Recommended Hours: 33
Maximum Hours: 40
Certification:

Desairology:  A specialized field in which a cosmetologist or
funeral attendant is instructed in the proper styling and make-up
application of the dead.

My response: Everything you'd ever need to know and a number of things you won't!

If anyone wants to browse the other offerings, here they are!