Substitute

May the 4th was 9 months not smoking. W00t! How did I forget?

In that nine months I've gone up, oh, two to three clothing sizes, which puts me distinctly in big girl territory for the first time ever. Oh, I've hovered on the edge before, yes indeedy, and now I have teetered over onto the other side.

Back when I was last almost plus-sized, I ended up losing 35 lbs and was truly skinny for a time. Circumstances were such that I needed exercise quite badly for other reasons, so I was working out 30 min twice a day. As a project, I also signed on to an eating plan, and over the course of a number of months I went down about 35 lbs.

And then I got laid off at my last health education gig and hired on at Evil U. And that job sucked. And I stopped exercising. And I ate Chik-Fil-A every day for lunch. And, not surprisingly, I gained weight. Since Aug 2005 I've gained 50 lbs. That is a TON! It's 15 lbs more than I had weighed before.

Sucky, huh?

It's actually not too, too bad, though.

Cause this not smoking thing? It's worth this weight. It's worth feeling crappy about my body size. It's worth having to buy all new clothes.

I'm scared, but it's coming up on the time where I now need to make the next change in my life. I seem to be motivated by not wanting to feel shitty. I feel shitty now. I feel ugly, weak and messy. I'm isolating myself.

So far in the last year I've a) gotten a much better job b) quit smoking and c) developed two really cool hobbies. I need to remember that that's a goodly amount of stuff! I have this tendency to be an all-or-nothing gal, usually tending to the "or nothing" side of things.

Hm.

Things left to work on: exercise, weight, partner.

(psssssssst...men here seem to be more tolerant of fatties than of smokers. also? i may have reached the age finally where they've gone through the inevitable divorce! there are more men on the market here than the last time i checked!)