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You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: Hello Omegle user! I am here to help educate you about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. As one of God’s children, you have a duty to abstain from sexual intercourse until marriage. Although in today’s society it is “cool” to fornicate before marriage, it really destroys the bond you have with God. Please support abstinence in all that you do in order to reach Heaven and Eternity!

You: OMG! I'm a sex educator!

You: Awesome!

Stranger: Would you like to send in $2.99 to obtain a abstinance ring you can cherish for a lifetime? It is made of 16 Carat gold inlaid with a crucifix to remind you to stay pure in all that you do.

You: let's talk the merits of abstinence-only sex ed!

Stranger: If you order 15 or more, we can lower the price for you!

You: i'll get them for all the kids I work with!!!

You: except we call it the Nuvaring

Stranger: Nuvaring is against God's will, you should condider stopping educating people with it.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Recession Christmas

I wish all Christmases were recession Christmases. Virtually all of the gifts here at my sweet second home have been hand made. The presents end up being so much more personal this way. They're an artsy bunch, this family, and it shows.

My gifts to them were either homemade or scavenged from around the house. Hats, scarves, too-small cashmere sweaters, a winter coat that didn't fit and that I've been too lazy to return (mail order! Annoying!), and the like. Since I hadn't prepared for gift-giving, I had a blast running around and seeing how creative I could be.

May your celebrations be simple. Happy Holidays.


(my new, original) artwork, pictured above:
Perfect from now on 7
2007
acrylic on paper
9" x 12"
by Wendy Heldmann
(Note the birds)

Alright, SPILL!

Someone wonderfully kooky stopped by my house yesterday and left this for me.



I'd like at least a clue to the mystery, kthanks.

No remembro how to say eleven.

The One-Semester-of-Spanish Spanish Love Song.



Thanks very much to a former colleague, I came across this hilarious video.

Guilty Pleasures?

Tip: DON'T use your real email address. Create one especially for this kind of thing.

Want a free subscription to Star magazine?

All you have to do is write two 50-word reviews of mascaras!! Think of it as a creative writing exercise that will reward you with an entire year of trashy goodness. I think it would be especially fun to do if you didn't wear mascara at all.


Ooooh. And here's a free subscription for Interview! This one only requires one 50-word review of any movie* you've ever seen.

Both of these are for my office.

*My review: I liked the movie Star Wars. It came out when I was really little, and it inspired tons of imaginary play. We made light sabers out of wrapping paper rolls, painting the ends pink or blue and then black for the grips. They bent a lot though, which was annoying. What I didn't like about the movie was how gross the trash compactor scene was. EW EW EW!! Princess Leia was beautiful. Luke was dreamy. I wish I'd realized at the time how hot Han Solo was. Anyhoo, I loved it when L and L kissed just before swinging across the chasm on that planet thing.

They made me take off the last sentence because the review was too long.

Wakin' up is hard to doooooo

Anyone else entirely wasted from this time change? I couldn't drag my ass out of bed at 6 a.m. as has been my norm for the last 6 weeks or so. That's partly because the grow lights are going on and off 30 minutes later than before the switch to DST. The timer is confusing. I need to remedy that.

So tired am I that I just read my sweet Maria's blog thinking it was Maggie's. The comments I left on Maria's blog are actually quite hilarious--I say my piece and then comment again once I've realized my mistake, and then comment again because of yet another mis-reading, and then finally tell Maria why I got confused with Maggie. They actually are quite similar. Since Maria is one of my favorite people ever, it leaves no doubt in my mind that I'm going to need to meet Maggie soon. Hi Maggie!!

My friend Ols FINALLY sent me a picture of her--she's pregnant and radiant. I think all pregnant women are, to a large extent, but Ols is really something else, man. Love her!

I've been spending a ton of time weighing my options for a mini-vacation over Memorial Day Weekend. I'll be working the entire weekend before that, so I'll have Friday afternoon through Wednesday free. I just paid off my credit cards (WOOT!) from when I was unemployed, but that leaves me without much cash. Here are the places I'm considering: San Francisco to visit Ols, but she'll be really near her due date. Still, I haven't seen her in FOUR YEARS (unless her wedding was after the last time I visited her when she lived in San Diego. I can't remember). But still. WAY tooo long. Also: Portland. Another good friend I haven't seen, JJ, lives there and is jockeying for me to go. And of course our dear XTA is there as well. Georgia has been my default mini-vacation spot, and so of course I've thought about going there. Charleston has my friend Nicole, DC has Marco, and I'm positive I've considered other places. (Oh, right: birding somewhere out west, alone. Only I need a place to stay for free or else I can't go. I'm sure I could stay with my Uncle Mike in Arizona. That would be good birding for sure.) Or Mexico? Or camping?

Anyhoo, if you can think of someplace I can go for cheap (Mom, I'm eliminating Michigan only because I always go there.), please let me know.

Wanna weigh in on what YOU think my best option would be? And is there any place I'm forgetting?

The perils of peeling eggs

Don't mind the not-quite-awakeness, please, or, for that matter, the blur.

See right there above my lip? A redness? Right at the bow? Up close it looks worse. It's a line of angry red. I don't get cold sores. It doesn't hurt. It came overnight. There's no covering it.

I think I burned my lip on the hard-boiled eggs I peeled with my mouth last night.

Hilarious! I'm glad I can laugh at myself.

Does anyone have a pennywhistle they can loan me?

Or maybe you'd just prefer to accompany me in singing, once I get my voice back. Because, thanks to our Marianne, I have a new favorite song.

Perhaps you'd like to hear it? Everyone loves a midi, right? Well, that's just the tune, though. Such a sweet melody. Da da da daa da da da daa...

Why don't you now begin to memorize the lyrics!

Nine Inch Will Please a Lady
(Robert Burns)

Come rede me dame, come tell me dame,
My dame come tell me truly,
What length o' graith when weel ca'd hame
Will sair a woman duly?"
The carlin clew her wanton tail,
Her wanton tail sae ready,
"l learn'd a sang in Annandale,
Nine inch will please a lady."

"But for a koontrie cunt like mine,
In sooth we're not sae gentle;
We'll tak tway thumb-bread to the nine,
And that is a sonsy pintle.
Oh, Leeze me on, my Charlie lad,
I'll ne'er forget my Charlie,
Tway roaring handfuls and a daud
He nidged it in fu' rarely."

But wear fa' the laithron doup
And may it ne'er be thriving,
It's not the length that makes me loup
But it's the double drivin.
Come nidge me Tom, come nidge me Tom
Come nidge me, o'er the nyvel
Come lowse an lug your battering ram
And thrash him at my gyvel!

graith=gear, equipment; clew=scratched, fondled;
tway thum-bread=two thumb-breadths; sonsy=healthy;
daud=a lump, a bit; laithron=lazy; doup=rump;
gyvel=gateway.

(images, lyrics, etc from here)
(pennywhistle accompaniment here)

Inside joke

I just replied to an email by typing only "unsubscribe" in the body. Some of you will know what that's about. If not, feel free to email me about it. Email is up in the "About Me" section.

Nothing Ventured?

One of the things I'd like to work on, personal goal wise, is taking risks. I'm really conservative, accepting the less-than-ideal but known path over one whose outcome is less sure.

Today I cut my hair. My own hair. With scissors from the dollar store. And you know what? I didn't ruin it. It looks better than it did before. Let me show you the process. I'll leave any commentary out.

My love to Imperatrix's fave software, Photo Booth for the ease of taking pictures along the way.

LOLSTEW

Oh. MY!

I forget these things

Ya know, occasionally I get a comment on this blog from someone I don't expect to. And then I'm kind of embarrassed if I've been ranting. I always assume the people who bother to read this blog know me well enough to understand that I'm actually a happy, sane individual with the same hardships and worries as others. But looking at yesterday? I must come across as totally cuckoo sometimes. Maybe I should cut out the venting.

Hm. Food for thought.

On stress and poultry

Year: 1999
Setting: Townhouse, College Town, NC
Event: Out-of-Season Turkey Dinner, complete with Fixins (Capital F)
Invitees: Several close friends, and a few of their friends.

Situation: I had rescued a frozen turkey one March, from a man who was carrying it to the dumpster at my doctor's office. It had been in their freezer since DECEMBER! The HORROR!

Problem #1: The turkey was done 2 hours before it was supposed to be.
Problem #2: The guests were an hour later than they were supposed to be.
Problem #3: I hadn't yet learned that not every crisis merits a full fight-or-flight response.

Resolution: Upon the guests' arrival, I shoved a fork and carving knife into the nearest hand (which happened to be a guy I'd never met) and told the lot to "Shut up and cut the fucking turkey!"

Hoo boy!

I felt a little of that same feeling yesterday as I finalized this weekend's camping trip details. All of a sudden the friends accompanying me started to have input into the decisions I'd made in their stead, having lacked much helpful feedback until that time.

Why are we doing it this way?
Why not go here instead?
Is it worth going, if the drought is so bad?
Oh man, we'll have to portage some of it!
Don't canoes hold like, 1200 lbs? Why pack light?

I'd spent way, way too much time carefully planning the best course of action to react logically and calmly to these questions. I hid my irritation as best I could, but did tell a friend that I was having a "Shut up and cut the fucking turkey" moment. He'd been there to see that fabulous moment, so he knew exactly what I meant. He stepped up and planned out a menu for the trip.

It's going to be worth it, right?

OF COURSE IT IS! Whee!

Speaking of things wet...

As of this coming Friday, my city is implementing stricter water restrictions. Hey, I'm all for it, but there's little on the list that I'm not already doing. I don't wash my car at all (it's noticeable), and I even parcel out the toilet flushes, as long as I don't have company. I recently witnessed a tooth-brusher leave the water running, and I lasted all of 20 seconds, maybe, before compulsively interrupting the tooth-brusher by turning off the tap.

Some of the restrictions make me cringe. Why do we need to remind people that washing off concrete is unnecessary? Do that many people regularly hose down their patios, sidewalks and driveways?

Related tangent: A couple of years ago, there were some acute water problems that led a nearby restaurant to switch to disposable plates, cups, silverware and such. The motivation for the change seemed to be that minimizing water used on dish washing would be a Good. Thing.

Is it?

I hate how hard it is to get enough information to make choices that work as best as possible with my beliefs and personal limitations. Water conservation or tree conservation? Paper or plastic? Local food or Ethical food?

Some of these choices are easy, of course. All other thing being equal, I'd choose to conserve trees AND water. Use no bag at all. Eat local food produced ethically.

But not all things are ever equal. I went to the grocery store this weekend for something other than milk for the first time since the Farmer's market and my garden ramped up. I bought a $1 cauliflower. A $7 beef roast. A $1 pound of carrots. A $3 5-lb bag of potatoes. Onions, when there aren't any available locally. (I was craving pot roast, can you tell? Oh, CROCK POT!)

It felt really wrong to do these things, but I was seduced by the price. The cauliflower is what really got me angry. ONE DOLLAR. *If* I can coax the cauliflowers I've planted to actually produce, they've already cost at least twice that. Economy of scale.

And what's with the damn limitations on watering applying to vegetable gardens, anyway?

Oh, and BTW, aren't I cute? Modest, too.

In a pinch

Stapling your wrap dress shut to ensure reliable cover for the cleavage works pretty well.

My favorite sense of humor

My dear sweet Emily is back from Germany. She got me a little present, which is certain to be hilarious and fantastic. As an example of Emily's sense of humor, she got me a Catalog Man set of postcards a couple of years ago. She told me she almost got me a skull-and-crossbones keychain with the name Dieter on it. I'd have loved that, too.

I didn't get this crazy action game for 2-4 skillful snuffling noses either. But Emily did.

Don't you just love her?

My new exercise program

I've been bitching and moaning a lot (mostly internally), about the shape I'm in. Not so healthy! Weak! And yet, I've not gotten my ass in gear.

Hm. Patterns repeating themselves. (Just an observation, not a judgment)

Last night I found myself FINALLY acting in an exercise-like manner. For 15 whole minutes I flailed my arms about wildly with a light weight in between my hands. Since I keep my house at a toasty 80 degrees, I was soon at least mildly sweating.

Another pattern that repeats itself is that I have to like the exercise in order to want to do it. Often that means the exercise is just a means to an enjoyable end.

Like Butter.

Ruh Roh

Miss Jamie will either love me or hate me after this weekend. See, I didn't have to go to work until late today, which gave me some time to get things here in order. More than anything I needed to put away clean clothes.

But in order to do that I had to find some room. Cause, um, my recent (girth) expansion has left me with clothes that do not fit clogging up the closet. Now, however, they're in Jamie's closet, waiting for her to pick through and see what she wants. When I first went to see her I did the very same thing and she was able to salvage a ton of goodies. Her closet is what might end up hating me. The selections are probably mostly too big, but I've got a couple of surprises in there that just might work.

Props to JeniQ, who did a Craigslist run for me since it was right by her house. I am the proud owner of the t-shirt you see above. Free.

Allium cepa

I have to admit, I'm pretty sure this could be me:

The Sibley Guide To Birds Has Clearly Misidentified The Dark-Eyed Junco

Please forgive me. :-)

Thanks for pointing this my way, Crazy John!