Something to do

I'm trying to figure out a small project that I can complete today without going crazy that will help put me in a better frame of mind. Any suggestions?

Yesterday was pretty much a write-off as far as accomplishments go. I spent a lot of time doing sudokus and napping on the couch.

The house is a mess (surprise!) in part because we're still rather overcome with boxes from the recent move-in. The other part is that we need to make room for much more *stuff* I also have a few pieces of furniture I'd like to be rid of. Actually, there's a lot I'd like to get rid of. I've been considering a yard sale for a while now. I'm living in an environment that's about 15% comfortable.

The yard is a mess as well. However, I think cleaning something might just be the winner in my plan to deslothify. The problem is, I think, that once I start to clean, I tend to get distracted and move my focus on to other projects, resulting in often unnoticeable dents in many different areas.

Total change of subject. Does anyone else feel self-conscious when wearing a red top and khaki bottoms? I once got mistaken for an employee when checking out at Target in such an ensemble. Problem is, that combo is really really common and fits well with my default fashion technique: mix and match neutrals.

Loose ends

I can't figure out what to do with my time. There are things I should be doing (ahem, taxes), but it's the weekend, and well, yuck.

So I'm in bed, awake for the past 4 hours, but I haven't done anything other than cruise along on the internet. I want coffee, but seem to be too lazy to make it. I suppose the plan was to get up and go to a coffee shop, but I couldn't find the motivation. I didn't know where to go, and I didn't know what I'd do when I got there. I suppose I'm just feeling like I'm at loose ends.

There's a little bit of a bummer-drag feeling inside of me today, also. I got a text message from someone who I have no respect for, but who is inextricably linked to my three favorite boys. They're apparently in Nashville currently, and The Father (who I really dislike interacting with) wanted to see if he could call me "since it's a favorite place of yours" or some such. Well, I haven't been to Nashville in 15 years. What's really bumming me out/pissing me off about this is that The Father was a friend of mine way before he was The Brother In Law and then The Father and then the Asshole. And in that role of friend, he came to visit me in Nashville. So the text message makes me just that much more bitter and sad and pissed off, remembering those nice memories and how tainted they are now.

I'm crying a little bit now for that lost friendship. And for knowing that right now I *can't* call them because he still makes me so angry, even four years later. And that makes me feel guilty, because a big part of me wants to let bygones be bygones for the sake of my dear sweet boys. Why shouldn't they talk to their aunt when they're in a town that she lived in? It's my inability to deal that's upsetting me. I don't want to be that person who stops talking to other people. It messes with kids. I mean, if it were just some random person who fucked me over I would have no problem with just cutting them out of my life. But this isn't comparable.

I also feel guilty, of course, because I'm not the one who was most wronged in this situation. My anger is mostly by proxy, but also directly. He lied to everyone. I trusted him and he fucked up royally, and for a very long time, and very badly.

So kids, if you have friends who become relatives, a word to the wise. Don't be an untrustworthy asshole who hurts those around them, who trusted you and loved you and welcomed you with open arms. Don't lie and disrespect and screw over your friends' loved ones, their family, their friendship.

Just don't. It leads to days like this.

Thanks.

This is NOT helpful

I think I could live my life on the internets. Actually, I pretty much already do!

And now it's only going to get worse. Jamie introduced me to Ravelry, a community of knitters and crocheters. After a few weeks on the waiting list I finally got an invite. That was yesterday. Today, the picture of my seedlings on Flickr prompted an invite to a site that seems exactly like Ravelry, but for gardeners, Folia. Ouch. Web 2.0 plus specialized interests. I wonder if there's a new social birding website.

Then I'll never have to DO these things! I can just lie in my bed and THINK about them! Just what I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!

Procrastination Paralysis

Um, I'm having a hard time breaking down a big task into little ones. I have this grant proposal I've been working on, and so far what that has meant is researching different statistics. The first section is a needs assessment, I guess to prove that there's a need.

I just want to say "DUH! The rate of (bad health outcome) in X population is FOUR TIMES what it is in the overall population in this county!" and leave it at that. I'm thinking that isn't enough though.

I don't know. I'm just sick of it. I keep getting hung up on stats and citations. I don't know what I need to include, and I don't know how to weave the narrative. I'm overwhelmed and freaking out. Sigh.

For Marc

Marc wasn't buying the last Stew Simpson, so I've tried another. Please, Marco especially, let me know if you think this looks substantially more like me.

Not that it's particularly important or anything.


Happy Ethiopian Millenium, btw!

Hrm

May have spoken too soon about the roomie situation. We'll see. There are some external circumstances that need to be resolved before her decision can even be finalized. The prospect of actually having a seemingly sane roommate really amped me up though. It's felt so undoable that it's hard to motivate to keep. going. already. At this juncture I can either let myself feel beaten down and miserable or I can do that whole dusting off thing.

I overslept this morning, and I'm a little discombobulated still. I have a deadline, and after I get that work done and taken care of, I'll be through for the day. Speaking of motivation, I'll be getting on with that here in a minute.

I've plans to watch movies with a co-worker this evening. He has dogs. Dogs are good. I spent a little too much time yesterday shopping for doggies at rescue sites within, oh, 2-3 hours from home.
This one charmed me, not surprisingly. Not looking for a puppy, though.




I dropped an open can of soda on my foot this morning when leaving the house. I left it where it lay; couldn't be bothered to pick it up. I considered going inside to change my shoes, considering it drowned my entire right toe box, but decided that since it was diet it really didn't matter that much. And besides, they're sandals.

OK, off to do a little writing.

Oh. My lone cantaloupe is ripe. It's teensy--maybe six inches at its widest part. Sure does smell good, though.

Dans le role de Magnum

Lab Write up

Abstract:
Limited computer usage corresponds with a higher level of accomplishment, after one day. Multiple regression analysis showed an increase in chores outcome was significant (p=.00143). Minimizing access to the World Wide Web did negatively affect subject's (n=1) ability to access necessary information(1), however. Subject's reported anxiety levels fluctuated from none to major. Net mean of anxiety level was below standard. Chores outcome measured by number of loads of laundry put away (two), number of kitchens entirely clean (one), number of dishes washed (14), number of wastebaskets emptied (three), number of lawns mowed (one) and number of new compost heaps created (one). Subject reported no positive social interaction, however.

Further studies will address long-term sustainability of the project.

(1) A Betty Crocker Cookbook, ca. 1989 substituted for an online database to find a suitable pound cake recipe. Subject then added almond paste, almond extract (pure), and chocolate chips. No appropriate recipe was able to be found for acelgas.

Experiment

I've been disturbed at how much time I've been spending doing nothing but refreshing my favorite blogs and websites, hoping there's something new to read. I think it's been making my anxiety worse.

Today, except for right now and maybe one other time this afternoon for checking email (say at 5 p.m.) I will not be opening my computer. I will pass my time today doing rather than being.

If you want to do something, which I'd really appreciate, please call me. Most of you who read have my phone number. Those of you that don't, mostly know at least one person who does. The rest of you I'll talk to at 5. If you've emailed, that is.

Today I will be mindful.

Or maybe I'm just boring/bored and trying to sound all erudite and shit to hide it.

I've been thinking a lot in the last few days about identity, but also about minutia. I really like learning about the different minigroups that people can feel a sense of belonging about.

Maybe that's why I like Craigslist.

Just looking in one section tonight has provided me with a ton of interesting new information about the different appeal people find in animals.

Humans feel a LOT of emotion about their pets. That's not new to me. Most of the postings here are about finding new forever homes for their babies. Posters worry about their pet's mental health. There's also a fair amount of activism. Marketing, too. And who knew that there were fake pet scams?

This listing is just sad. I wonder what's going on? The desperation pet owners feel is just so touching to me.

I've heard of crazy cat owners, but not this. Odd? I'd say so.

I've decided not to look up what sugar gliders are, because really, I'd prefer to fantasize over what they might be.

Finally: some randomness that caught my eye:

* Horse hair pottery made from your horse's hair *
Chicken-eating Bulldogs must go
Aren't Quakers supposed to be real peaceable? I wonder why these ones are so aggressive.
Perhaps the best dog name ever.