Aren't you jealous?

Reason #1: I now own a travel mug from the Law Offices of James Scott Farrin*. "Call the HurtLine!"
Reason #2: I have my performance evaluation coming up. This always inspires fun.
Reason #3: I've recently been in a situation where I am forced to overhear long, chatty conversations about topics that I find vapid, frankly. It's grating on my nerves very, very badly. Especially since the prosody of the speech is inextricably linked to the part of my brain that causes annoyance.

*Non-local readers note: this is a personal injury law practice that is famous for over-the-top ads airing during daytime TV. I feel famous.

Obsessive inaccuracy

I feel petty bringing this up, but there's nothing more annoying than when someone corrects you, and they're wrong. The commenter was referencing this post.

NOT YET

I have an early gig at a school today, so I have to get up earlier than normal. Some part of my brain decided that meant that 4 a.m. was time to get up.

Dear Body,
This IS NOT OK. Get back to sleep, NOW.
Love,
Stew

Dear Stew,
OK, ok, but you know I thought I smelled coffee, and I'm hungry! And what if I don't get up in time? Better early than oversleeping, you know.
Love,
Your Body

Dear Body,
There is no reason to be so concerned about oversleeping. It's not an airplane, it's an early class at a school. Time's a wasting--you have about an hour and ten minutes left of sleep.
Love,
Stew.

Dear Stew,
Put away the damned computer so I can sleep!
Love,
Body

(Goodnight)

just this

I'm really, really sick of blogging. I don't know why, but maybe it's from so many daily posts for so long. Nothing seems interesting enough to put up here, as evidenced by the extreme list of food.

That said, I was considering an entry about ripping off Big Pharma by attending an entirely unnecessary 4 course meal with 5 different wines, a pashmina shawl proffered "in case there's a draft," a tour through the kitchen and wine cellar to reach the dining room, and a waiter who didn't know what the wines were that they were offering up. Tenderloin, lobster, chocolate lava cake, green salad, blue cheese mashed potatoes, asparagus, red pepper bisque. Big Pharma paid over $125 for me to listen to an MD shilling their medicine, using (only) Big Pharma's own data. The food was good, the company mediocre (except for one co-worker), and the schmooze oozed.

Oops. More food listing.

My life doesn't exist anymore. Or else it's hiding.

It's barely 9 a.m., and I'm already having a shit day.

When I got to work and opened up my palm software, there were no entries on the calendar. At. All. They were there last night before I left. I have no idea what happened between then and now.

Then, I decided to sync because my handheld probably still had the data on there, right? (I didn't look first.) This then resulted in all of my data being wiped off of the handheld.

My LIFE is on there. I have no idea where to even begin to try and see if there's any way I can recover this data. The Palm software support help area seems to say no. There is, however, an archive that has some of the appointments on there, but really very few.

I am NOT looking for anyone to troubleshoot for me. In fact, DON'T. If I want help I'll ask later, but for now I just want to rant.

In 10 minutes I'm meeting with my boss, who keeps a paper calendar and who has been known to put her nose up a bit at the electronic systems because she thinks they're unreliable. She's going to want to know what I have planned, and I seriously have no idea. I'll be spending today recreating my schedule from emails. I'll have to ask her when we're next meeting, however.

I'm not at all happy, kiddos.

Gah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frustration and annoyance

I'm in a kind of pissy mood today. I won't get into the minute details, but let's just say that I'm frustrated and annoyed with a friend you don't know (for real). The friend has problems but is unable/unwilling (a bit of both) to do things that I know will help.

Yes, it's about depression. I suppose because I've been through it (oh so often!) this friend comes to me to lend an ear. After a while it gets really annoying, and so I decide not to talk to the person about the problem until the person hit bottom enough to do something about it. Cause frankly, there wasn't anything else I could do, and the listening was having a negative effect on MY state of mind. Bubbye. I didn't cut off all relations with friend, but I did withdraw quite a bit, and it feels lovely. We don't have that much in common to begin with, really, and I don't enjoy myself often when we hang out. Very occasionally, yes.

Finally the friend started therapy recently and told me about it. I do want what's best for friend, so I encouraged the therapy. So great. Friend at least is in competent therapy hands. Here's hoping that works. Meanwhile, however, friend is trying to inch closer to me with IM during the day, (which is ignored even if I have the "busy" icon on), and Friend's reaction to the first therapy session is that friend is "fundamentally flawed and will never change." Not at all what the therapist said. Therapist said just that the outward issues are symptoms, and so you can't expect that by losing/gaining weight or getting a boy/girlfriend will solve your problems. Classic depression voice, ya know? Turning things around and making them catastrophic?

Boundaries. I need to (re)set them. I feel bad, but this is just so annoying and stressful to me. I especially feel bad because I know what it's like to be that damn DOWN. But I can't take it anymore. I am not Friend's therapist. Friend now has therapist.

God, I'm annoyed. I'm glad I'm not in Friend's place anymore and will never be again. I at least can ID the signs of depression and not buy into them anymore. It took years of therapy and learning and meds to get me here, but my GOD am I glad I made it.

Now I just need to let go of my guilt by realizing I'm just meeting my own needs.

(But how can I just LEAVE Friend? Friend is majorly suffering! But friend's suffering makes ME suffer! And friend is annoying b/c can't/won't do what needs to be done!)


ARRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

pant pant pant
sigh
(roll eyes at self)

Grant Crap

So, it probably sounds like I'm making a big deal out of nothing with this grant I'm writing, but the truth is it's a bear.

Grants in general suck. But this is not only writing a grant, it's more like a technical paper for publish in a peer-reviewed journal. I'm designing a public health intervention program, using all sorts of high-falutin' metrics that I hadn't really ever worked with before, AND there's the extra pressure that there are a lot of applicants.

Blah blah blah BDI Logic Models!

It's a (state) government grant*. That means hoops and hoops and hoops to jump in and out of. Do it this way, not that. Margins of .5 inches if you mention the word sex, but otherwise margins of .754 inches. Fourteen letters of support and/or specific commitment. You write them, others sign them, you track them down, and you deal with the people who don't dare say the word "pregnancy" for fear of making it seem like their organization dares to stand up against teen pregnancy! God forbid people think we want our kids getting access to information about abstinence, contraception, risk reduction, and how to say no when they don't want to do something! You have to rely on the contacts you brought from another county to get the letters of support from the Latino community, because you still haven't really gotten to know people yet here! ARGH!

I've got most of the program plan. I've got most of the evaluation piece done. I'm still freaking about the freaking stupid needs assessment part. There are lots of Latinos in the US! There are lots in NC! More than ever! There are lots in the county where I work! It's a really populous county! The teen pregnancy rate in the US is horrible! Over 50% of Latina teens get pregnant at least once before they turn 20! Current teen pregnancy prevention interventions aren't working as well in the Latino population! Teens are thinking "Dont have babies now" means "babies are BAD! We EAT BABIES!**" The teen pregnancy rate in Latinas in NC are even worse than the overall US rate, and in this county, almost 20% of 15-19 year olds got pregnant last year! That's WAY worse than in other counties! So we're among the worst (county level) of the worst (state level) of the horrible (US level)! Latina girls date older men! That's a risk factor! Despite being less sexually active than other teens, both boys and girls in the Latino community are less likely to use contraception/condoms! That's a risk factor we can actually change! There are protective factors, too! More Latino teens live with two biological parents than other groups! Latinos have a higher rate of religious affiliation! This county's teen pregnancy rate among Latinos is just horrendous! It's over four times the overall rate in this county! No, really! We can help with this! We'd use a culturally-appropriate approach and frame abstinence, condom use, contraception and other messages in such a way as to be more palatable!

OK thanks. I think typing this out has helped my thought process; that was my intent. I have until tomorrow to get this done. I'm just not sure what to write, still. Do I cite the fact sheets where I'm getting the stats, or do I cite the original articles that the fact sheets cite, even though I've not read them? I'm thinking the former, because I did the latter for my freaking thesis, and despite my stress, this is NO THESIS.

*Our state is more enlightened than our country; this grant requires comprehensive sex ed be a part of it; i.e. no talking just about abstinence!
**They don't think we're saying "We Eat Babies." They do think we're saying "don't have babies, ever." See?

Critical Assholes

I swear I'm not that driver. You know, the one who whizzes by cyclists too close, turning in front of them, or beeping really loudly to attempt to make them get out of the way. (Actually, I'm so not that person that I'm not readily sure what exactly cars do that bugs cyclists the most.)

What I am, or at least what I hope to be, is considerate. When I approach a cyclist on a narrow road, I make sure I am able to give them enough clearance to easily avoid any heart attacks. If I have to slow to a crawl behind them until it's safe for me to do so, no worries. I keep in mind to watch out for people riding bikes when I toodle about town; just a couple of weeks ago I pulled up to turn right onto my street and noticed a bike was catching up with me (on the right). So I waited for him to go by before I turned.

I know that cyclists, many of them, writhe in frustration at how unfriendly the city streets can be for someone on a bicycle. There are regular protests about it in cities around the country (world!) once a month. Bicycles have just as much right to the road as cars, they say! I agree wholeheartedly, for many reasons, that cities should have dedicated bike lanes on all major roads. I wish everyone biked around more; I want people to walk to their destinations whenever possible. I wish my job were closer to where I lived; I'll never be able to be carless due to the nature of what I do, but at least the commute wouldn't burn a gallon and a half of gas every day. (I'm not quite ready to move to the city where I work, though.)

But here's the rub. I recently decided to do a brief tally in my head of the cyclists I came across while driving over the last week, because it had begun to seem to me that there were some really shitty cyclists out there.

With the exception of people biking on country(ish) roads where there were no traffic lights, every single person I've seen riding a bike in the last week has flagrantly disobeyed traffic laws, and all in the same way--by running stop signs or red lights, without even slowing down.

I kid you not, it was 100% of the urban cyclists I saw this week doing this; you can't write it off to confirmation bias.

That pisses me off.

Turn that frown upside down!! :-D

Again with the 7:30 a.m. start time 40 minutes from my house! And I almost got thrown up on to boot, by a kid who couldn't go home and yet wasn't allowed to lie down in the nurse's office, for liability reasons. I love my job. Wouldn't you?

Annual doctor's visit today, woo hoo. They did this horrible thing where you hold onto a contraption that looks like a videogame controller and it tells you JUST HOW FAT YOU ARE...as in the percentage and total pounds of your weight that are fat.

I'm *really* fat. The quantitative felt worse than the qualitative. I cried. My lovely, holistic, empathetic and yet kind of weirdo doctor hugged me and told me to be a food snob (quality, not quantity) and to make sure I'm breathing. The phlebotomist promised not to lose my blood this time. I have a psuedo plan for increasing my exercise. I'm cutting out sugar and carbs, per doctor's request.

The fat didn't stop mustached waiter Gonzalo from asking probing and direct questions at lunch, though. All I wanted was my favorite tortilla soup*.

What's your name?
Are you married?
Why not?
Do you have a boyfriend?
How can that be?
Do you have kids?
How old are you? What? You look 8-10 years younger than that!
How do you say "bonita" in English?
Are you going to come back here?
Where do you live?
You're really pretty.

Jesus. NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THAT. I felt like someone had taken every single social skill out of my body and replaced it a mouth that can only say "I really like the soup here." "It's my favorite soup** in the whole Triangle"

I'm tired. I've been crying a lot--every day this week so far, in fact, and at the drop of a hat. I didn't sleep well last night.

*$3.99!!! A whole quart of tasty, rich broth, rice, small bits of mixed veggies, tortilla "noodles" fresh avocado, cilantro and pico de gallo. And a lime to squeeze in.
**I sing high praises as well for their chicken soup. Both hit the spot when you're sick. Ultimate comfort food.

Thingz

25-year-old piercings should not ooze.

What exactly are plug-ins, and why don't they just come with instead of having to download them*? And then when you do download them why don't they work??

You know you spend too much time online when you try to watch current public TV programming on the computer instead of walking into the other room and turning on the TV.

Stuffing doesn't have to be Stove Top brand to be made on a burner.

I don't like the little bumps I have on the outside/bottom of my forearms. (I suspect they're just Keratosis Pilaris, which, though not a big deal, sounds rather ominous and gross. I want to pick at them. I won't. )

I'm really sick of having to majorly conserve water. I want a bath. And I want to water my veggies and cover crop.

OOOOOOOH! I have ONE cute little Brussels sprout and one eensy broccoli floret!!!

And tomatoes. They've not yet succumb to frost, believe it or not. Must be a microclimate thing.

I feel like I can't leave my house during the week. Once I get home, I'm home. If I can make it out before going home, I'm golden. I need to just not come home.

The display on the new computer is too shiny and glassy.

I fail at figuring most things out computer-wise; however, did you know you can scroll on a trackpad by using two fingers? I stumbled onto that feature.

*NB--I'm not looking for an answer to this question. I just want it to work. Is that so hard? No.

Itsy Bitsy Rant

So. I'm still going to order the MacBook, but I have a small bone to pick with them.

It's sweet that they have an education discount, right?

ONLY if you're on the payroll of a school. So, me? Educator? Check. Paid by a school? NOPE. NO DISCOUNT FOR YOU!

I feel guilty about thinking this way, but I can't help but be peeved that as one of the direct, in-the-trenches educators I can't access this small perk, when any Joe Schmo who works in a school district (or university), no matter their role, can.


UPDATE:

It's all in how you frame it. I called back and got the discount, presumably because they had me in the computer already.

Here're the deets:

MB 13.3/2.2 CTO: WHITE Z0FA				1
2.2GHz Intel Core 2 Duo 2GB 667 DDR2 SDRAM - 2x1GB 120GB Serial ATA @ 5400rpm SD 8x (DVD+R DL/DVD+RW/CD-RW) No iWork Preinstalled No Final Cut Exp Preinstalled No Aperture Preinstalled No Logic Exp Preinstalled Keyboard/Mac OS Country Kit
Ships by: Nov 5 - Nov 7
Delivers by: Nov 7 - Nov 13

And then FREE BONUS!

Wallowing so much I'm making myself laugh!

How is it that I'm both bored AND stressed out? Naw, don't bother answering.

:::shuffles back to bed:::

WAIT!

I just remembered there's a fucking FREEZE warning tonight. I took as many tomatoes off the vine as I think will actually ripen inside. The others will just have to fucking DIE.

Freeze Warning from 4:00 a.m., Oct 30 until 9:00 a.m., Oct 30

Damnit. I just remembered that I have some plants outside that need to come in.

I'm annoyed that when I type this computer is now so slow that there's about a 10-15 character lag. Pain in the ass for typos.

I don't even like the damn plants that are outside, so maybe I'll leave them out there to DIE MOTHERFUCKERS! KILL ALL THE PLANTS!

And WTF? none of the fall plants I have will even have reached any level of harvest. Oh. Except the radishes. The carrots are mere sproutlings that will be dead tomorrow because I don't give a shit. . I suppose the drought and high temperatures retarded first their germination and then their growth.

Grrrrrrrrr. Hot chocolate and a roommate who is increasingly charming (1st: cleaned the kitchen. 2nd: "Wow, I moved into the right place" when I feed him) doesn't even help all that much.

My bed is piled high with (clean) laundry. Tomorrow a.m. I'll be putting it away, provided I get up on time.

This entry deserves bad clip art.

Head falls forward onto the desk with a THUMP.

I guess I've been extremely lucky, but I've not had a cold knock me on my ass like this in at least a couple of years. I woke up yesterday morning at 8:30. I'd had ~8-9 hours of sleep. I went back to bed at 9 and slept until 11:30. Then at 1 p.m. I went to sleep again, until 5. Then I crashed out at about 9 p.m. last night and slept until 6 a.m. today. Ouch.

I'm feeling really, really ranty today. Part of it is because I'm sick.

I'm annoyed, though, too. Lemme try to tell you about it without incriminating/identifying any other people involved.

Saturday evening I walked out of a party after being reminded that DRAMA is something I avoid.

Background: I was looking forward to having a good time, having perfected my Lucy Van Pelt costume. But then I lost my keys. And getting to this party was a comedy of errors: First I got stuck on the grocery store line where people were writing checks and having to call the freaking manager every two seconds (twice on one order! And there were no other lanes open! 20 minutes to buy a bag of ice!) Then I got behind people going 20 mph in a 45, caught every single light, and was unable to stop sweating from the tizzy I had when I lost my keys. I arrived late, disheveled, frustrated and stressed. I was mad at myself, and also feeling like crap physically.

Here's the really bad part, the part I've not confessed to y'all. Some of you know this a little, and others have no idea. But for the last, oh, month or so, maybe longer, I've been slipping up on the "I don't smoke" part of my identity. Oops. No wait--that's not enough emphasis.

OOPS!!!!!!!!!!!

Better.

It began with alcohol, as these sorts of things often do, and I wasn't too terribly worried. But then it began to get worse. A couple of personal disappointments, and I'd bum a cig from the neighbor. A couple of beers out and I'd bum from a stranger. At one point I bought a pack, smoked a couple and gave it away. Then I bought two packs--BOGO. I smoked a couple, and figured I'd give the pack to the neighbor. But I didn't. Not immediately.

Do you see where this is going? Well this weekend I was bound and determined to make sure that I didn't continue let myself slip into a pattern that I really, really didn't want. So I said to myself that no matter what, I was not going to smoke Saturday night.

And then in that long line at the grocery store, after losing my keys and having to put up with asinine grocery staff, I bought a pack. And smoked a couple on the way to the party.

So add extremely disappointed in myself to the list of things I was feeling when I arrived.

I sat away from other people for a minute, hoping that I could just brush the pissyness off. I saw a friend, probably the only one there that I feel really close to, and called the friend over. The friend was getting their partner a beer but said they'd stop back in just a second. The friend returned, and a few seconds later the partner showed up. I explained a little bit about why I was frazzled, and then the partner looked at me and said:

"You realize you're a smoker again, don't you Stew? You might as well just admit it."

I was flabbergasted. That is the LAST thing I needed to hear--extremely hurtful. I just stared.

"I mean, you'd rather I straight up tell you the truth than lie to you, right?"

I just stared again. Then I walked into the other room. I sat there, seething. What the FUCK? Why did this person decide that was an appropriate thing to say? Did they think it would somehow be HELPFUL to kick me in the stomach? Within a few moments, the person came to find me.

"I'm sorry Stew, I didn't know that was a sore point." (Um....yes you did--I've known you for how many years?)

Drama Person tried to back out but none of the explanations were flying with me. It boiled down to Drama Person being hateful because of someone else not meeting Drama person's needs.

This isn't the first time I've dealt with similar issues. I've decided to avoid Drama Person as best I can.

Heads up...

Message sent to the following recipients:
Senator Burr, R-NC
Senator Dole, R-NC


Stewie McStewbrain
Durham, NC


October 23, 2007

Dear [recipient name was inserted here],

As a health educator in North Carolina, I am writing to express my
opposition to the Brownback abstinence-only funding amendment to the FY08
Labor-Health and Human Services and Education Appropriations bill (S.
1710).

Abstinence-only education programs have been proven again and again to NOT
WORK. It's a waste of money and an extremely immoral and harmful practice
to fund programs that withhold vital medical information from our young
people. Comprehensive sex ed programs begin with a strong abstinence
message already. AND they provide our youth with information about HIV
prevention, STD prevention, contraception and risk reduction in general.
This is not a mixed message--clearly the best approach is abstinence and
then when a person becomes sexually active, to take preventative measures.

I urge you to vote NO on the Brownback Amendment, and any other
legislation that funds or promotes Abstinence Only Sex Education.

Young people's health and lives are at risk. They need the facts!!

- The United States has one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in the
developed world.

- Young people in the U.S. are also at high risk of contracting sexually
transmitted infections (STIs), including HIV.

- Abstinence-only programs are prohibited, by law, from talking about
contraceptives EXCEPT to discuss their failure rates.

- A 10-year congressionally mandated study of
abstinence-only-until-marriage programs proved once and for all that these
programs don't work.

Young people deserve the truth. Please vote NO on the Brownback
abstinence-only funding amendment.

Sincerely,

Stewie McStewbrain, Health Educator

*****************

Contact them below. The websites (http://dole.senate.gov/ and http://burr.senate.gov/) have email contact forms if you'd prefer to do it that way.

If you're not in NC, here's where you can find your senators.

Senator Burr

Winston-Salem
2000 West First Street
Suite 508
Winston-Salem, NC 27104
Phone: (800) 685-8916
Phone: (336) 631-5125
Fax: (336) 725-4493

Washington, DC
217 Russell Senate Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
Phone: (202) 224-3154
Fax: (202) 228-2981

Senator Dole

Washington DC Office
555 Dirksen Office Building
Washington, DC 20510
Ph: 202.224.6342
Fax: 202.224.1100

North Carolina Offices
Raleigh Office:
310 New Bern Avenue
Suite 122
Raleigh, NC 27601
Ph: 919.856.4630
Fax: 919.856.4053

Salisbury Office:
225 North Main Street
Suite 304
Salisbury, NC 28144
Ph: 704.633.5011
Fax: 704.633.2937

Western Office:
401 North Main Street
Suite 200
Hendersonville, NC 28792
Ph: 828.698.3747
Fax: 828.698.1267

Eastern Office:
306 South Evans Street
Greenville, NC 27835
Ph: 252.329.1093
Fax: 252.329.1097

Didja?

Did you miss me? Huh? I went a WHOLE DAY without saying anything! OMG! I can barely believe it myself!

Yesterday I went to a coastal city (~2.5-3 hrs) for a short meeting with another organization much like mine. I was accompanied by the other people who hold key positions here, and the purpose of the meeting was basically to compare programming and learn from one another.

It was fine, though tiring. Especially because I didn't exercise common sense on Sunday, and overdid some nice beer, food and company. I didn't sleep particularly well, either.

And then today,

Oh wait, let me interrupt this blog entry to say that I am over-the-top happy to have just discovered anew that I have a jar of Nutella in my office. Praise FOJ. Remember him?



Anyhoo, today I zipped in to work, hurriedly gathered up the lessons I was to begin at a far-away high school (20 miles beyond my office). On the way I get pulled over and given a speeding ticket for 54 in a 45 AND not having changed my freaking license address when I moved. I don't remember exactly why I didn't, but I think it was that I wasn't allowed to, for some reason related to a county-level tax mix-up.

The fine? $25.
Court costs? $120.
Total? $140

Mind you, this is the first speeding ticket I've ever gotten. (Praise FOJ). It's not going to give me any points on my license. Nor will it affect my insurance rates. (This all according to the charging officer).

Nonetheless, my court date is here in the city where I work at 7:45 a.m, in a couple of weeks. I don't have anything else planned for that time. I think between now and then I'll make sure I have my license replaced and then actually make them earn the damn court costs.

Fiber-Optic Jesus.

I'm not attracted

I'm sorry, but there are just too many men in NC who a) like Nascar and b) have mustaches. And every single one of them seems interested in me.

As part of my current dating blitz (perhaps more accurately portrayed as a sputter), I've been checking out as many online dating sites as I can. The sad fact is that I've seen precious few men online who interest me in the least.

The men who look at my profiles, from what I can tell, average ~20 years older than I am, and inevitably have that mustache, and dopey eyes to go with. And faux wood paneling in their damn dens. With dark green velour couches. And horribly ruffly curtains like these.

I've got my grump on, peeps.

I can't even find a mustache image on google that is bad enough as to be accurate in the right way.

Because who DOESN'T want a decorative hidden litterbox?

Coming back from MI on Tuesday, I picked up the SkyMall catalog. I thought about ganking it from the seatback in front of me and taking it with, but decided that would be a waste of glossy paper.

Here's a list, because it's all I'm compelled to share with you today.

A partial list of things I hope I'll never buy or receive as a gift.

By: Stewbrain McButterpants

Ergonomic Hair Care System
Kitty Washroom (not the only version of this type of product)
Hands-free Binocular Glasses
Inflatable Movie Screen
Basho The Sumo Wrestler Table
Flying Alarm Clock
Voice Activated Grocery List Organizer
Sacro Wedgy (what???)
Deluxe Prism Glasses
Stress Eraser (quack alert!)
The Perfect Pushup
Hollywood Cookie Diet
Be Nice or Leave Sign
Towelmatic
Chilled Shot Machine


What?

Here's where someone less lazy than I am at the moment would go ahead and blather on about the culture of consumption and how my values tend towards less not more. How these types of items are unnecessary and ego-feeding. Or else they're symptoms of a very sad, boring life. And how it's way more in line with my own belief structures to make-do with things you find or can borrow or buy used.

Nobody ever lives 100% by their values, but I'm going to keep trying.