Brilliant.

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You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

Stranger: Hello Omegle user! I am here to help educate you about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. As one of God’s children, you have a duty to abstain from sexual intercourse until marriage. Although in today’s society it is “cool” to fornicate before marriage, it really destroys the bond you have with God. Please support abstinence in all that you do in order to reach Heaven and Eternity!

You: OMG! I'm a sex educator!

You: Awesome!

Stranger: Would you like to send in $2.99 to obtain a abstinance ring you can cherish for a lifetime? It is made of 16 Carat gold inlaid with a crucifix to remind you to stay pure in all that you do.

You: let's talk the merits of abstinence-only sex ed!

Stranger: If you order 15 or more, we can lower the price for you!

You: i'll get them for all the kids I work with!!!

You: except we call it the Nuvaring

Stranger: Nuvaring is against God's will, you should condider stopping educating people with it.

Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Another mystery

Welp, never did figure out anything about 86 cent day. Kind of anticlimactic, really. I mean, so cool! But...NO resolution. Dammit. Ah well.

Today's crazy story came by email. The father of this fine family below sent me a Christmas card via email, complete with their portrait. In fact, he sent the photo twice!

I've gotten emails before that weren't intended for me--usually they're for a namesake who gave out the wrong email address. This one, though, is from a family who lives here in North Carolina, rather than, say, Maryland or West Dakota.

I'm pretty certain I've never met this family. However, a very large part of me is already embarrassed because surely this entire entry will end up being a giant foot-in-mouth moment.

After all, one time I ran into an old boyfriend and didn't know how I knew him. I've not been blessed with a great memory, it seems.

Anyhoo, here they are.

Let's play "Guess How These People Know Stew!"

Please, Please, Please NO.

Do you think these could be, gulp, bed bug bites?

Obsessive inaccuracy

I feel petty bringing this up, but there's nothing more annoying than when someone corrects you, and they're wrong. The commenter was referencing this post.

From excellent to yicky in less than a week!

I haven't talked about the election returns yet, have I? Suffice to say that overall I'm extremely pleased.

Some specifics:
1) No more Liddy Dole. My mom and my friend Michele both called me* when that race was called. Not only did I (figuratively) wish to spit on the woman who took over the seat of another loathesome guy, but I was also very proud to vote for Kay Hagan. She has some sound ideas about sustainable ag and local foods, and I'll always love her for her support of raw milk. Have you tasted that goodness yet? It's a gorgeous sensation.
2) Obama. I doubt I have to say much about this to any of you, but I'm even more impressed that he's planning to recind many of the immoral policies Bush implemented. I volunteered on election day in a county that eventually went for McCain. I didn't do very much at all, but I was glad I took the day off.
3) Anti-choice initiatives failed. Thank goodness.
4) Can you say NC is blue? Yes! Me too!
5) Bad news: Proposition 8 in California passed, as did a number of other anti-gay initiatives. Gotta love people taking away civil rights, ya know?

I spent the night at my friend Ian's place, after going to the NC Dems victory celebration downtown. The energy there (as well as some champagne) gave me a fantastic buzz, and there were celebrations in the streets. So wonderful. Walking downtown the next morning I was so grateful to see people still beaming and making small talk in the street with strangers about how happy they were.

The next day I met with the group of teens I work with, and they were excited as well. They did share some unfortunate experiences documenting the racial tension that still exists even now. I'd expected as much, sadly, so I had prepared a "teachable moment" plan and showed them The Children's March. I was so proud to hear them talk about ways they have already and could continue to stand up to bigotry as it happens today.

So yeah, election week rocked.

But.

There always has to be a but, doesn't there?

Yesterday started out well. I was super productive and did dishes, cooked, and gardened. I'm landscaping most of the front yard, and I realized at Maria's birthday party the night before that I really had to get the irises in that Jamie and the s.o. gave me back over labor day weekend.

While I was doing this, though, I noticed an oddity on the street. Someone had pulled up in front of the house next door for a bit, and then turned around and parked again, this time directly across the street from me. I was a bit oblivious at first, though I did wonder briefly what this person was doing. Were they lost?

Nah. It was a young guy who decided to jerk off to my yardwork. Once I figured that out, I walked out in the street towards him a bit, but really more towards the back of the car. To get the plate number, see? And I did. I got the entire plate number, even before he peeled out. The police were very nice, and I felt strong, proud, and confident. I was happily surprised that my reaction was so matter-of-fact and oriented towards justice. I didn't show him any response beyond first being puzzled and then calmly (not even forced calm...I was zenned out) observing and memorizing as much info about the situation as I could. I emailed two neighborhood listservs with the details as well, and many residents cheered me.

Unfortunately, that pride and calm dissipated as the night wore on, taking me to a place of fear and worry. What if he retaliated? What if he broke in or vandalized my car? My god, he knows where I live, after all. What if Bubba's barking (Loud! Mean-sounding!) compelled this asswipe (and the friends I imagined would accompany him) to shoot Bubba?

I read By the Shores of Silver Lake last night, and didn't contain my tears when Jack died in his sleep.

I'm going to the police department in the morning to check on their progress. I've contacted local sexual violence crisis centers for advice and support. I can't imagine the horror that a more serious act of sexual violence would be like. I'm glad I haven't had to. This was gross enough.

Lotta tags for this post, hm?

*Michele actually texted me, and I then called her.

NOT YET

I have an early gig at a school today, so I have to get up earlier than normal. Some part of my brain decided that meant that 4 a.m. was time to get up.

Dear Body,
This IS NOT OK. Get back to sleep, NOW.
Love,
Stew

Dear Stew,
OK, ok, but you know I thought I smelled coffee, and I'm hungry! And what if I don't get up in time? Better early than oversleeping, you know.
Love,
Your Body

Dear Body,
There is no reason to be so concerned about oversleeping. It's not an airplane, it's an early class at a school. Time's a wasting--you have about an hour and ten minutes left of sleep.
Love,
Stew.

Dear Stew,
Put away the damned computer so I can sleep!
Love,
Body

(Goodnight)

80º is cold?

I'm thisclose to lopping off the feet of some knee socks. I'm in bed, wearing a tank top and shorts, and while the rest of me is very comfortable, my lower legs are freezing. So are the tops of my feet, actually.

Hm.

I can't abide the idea of my toes being constrained, though. If I jerryrig something to remedy this odd malady, I'll take a photo.

It's because of the fan.

OK, here we go:

Not Satire

Whether she is lounging around the house, going to practice, or doing her chores. These soft athletic style crop pants will keep her comfy. Perfect for wearing with her favorite sweatshirt or tee. These athletic pants boldly proclaim just where she stands by pointing out that "True Love Waits" in a large screen print on the front and back of these pants.

* Drawstring waist
* Bold abstinence screen print
* Elastic cuffs. Cotton/Polyester blend
* Machine washable
* Imported

Buy them Here.

See them in use HERE!!!

Crochety

Jamie and I had some conversations about knitting versus crocheting when I visited her last weekend. I crochet; she knits.

Crocheting gets a REALLY bad rap. Most people think it's all granny squares, but I've never made one. I hate them. Truth be told, I've only ever made scarves. Wait. Once I crocheted a "scrubby" with my grandma, made of strips of tulle. It kind of resembled this, but it was double thick.

I think I wooed Jamie a little bit with that scarf I made her. She wooed me with the knitting she taught me. I've always been a bit intimidated by knitting, to tell the truth. But it worked just so very well when I was there, that I decided this week to get my knit on. I stopped by my local "good" yarn store and picked up a few skeins of wool and some bamboo knitting needles (one set of straight and one in the round).

What a pain in the ass this has been so far. First, I had to wind all the damn yarn from the skein into a ball. It took an hour, and I spent most of that time detangling. That's just wrong. Then, when I tried to knit, I just couldn't do it. I mean, I knew WHAT to do, but I couldn't make it happen. The straight bamboo needles were too rough. The bamboo round ones were just weird (that's way too complex for me, I fear) and sticky. I went to my fabric cupboard and pulled out some aluminum needles I had, to see if that made a difference. Nope.

By now I've "knit" and unraveled again about four times. The wool is fuzzy and splitty. Very very splitty. Damn it.

I've given up knitting for the moment. But I want to do something other than just crochet scarves, you know??

So I went on the search for free patterns. Wow. Now I really, really get the stigma attached to crochet. Check these out.

Lacy Crochet Basket
Ornament Jacket
Masquerade Mask
Crocheted Hoop Earrings
Flamingo in Filet (By the way? What the FUCK is a "Star Wars" birthday? 77?)
Crocheted Turkey Ornament
Ferret Hammock
Lacy Candle Cozy
"Apache Tears" afghan
Barbie "Red, Hot and Blue 4th of July Dress"
Bikini

And not least: Doo Rag.

Dude. This is what gives crochet a bad name. Seriously. Woo.

Here are some things I might actually make:

Socks
Toe-up socks
Plastic bag tote


And this is really cute, but I'm not interested.

Frustration of the day

It's really annoying that the National Cattlemen's Beef Association puts out fact sheets about Adolescent Vegetarianism (PDF).

There's very little free nutrition education materials out there that aren't sponsored by biased sources.

The perils of peeling eggs

Don't mind the not-quite-awakeness, please, or, for that matter, the blur.

See right there above my lip? A redness? Right at the bow? Up close it looks worse. It's a line of angry red. I don't get cold sores. It doesn't hurt. It came overnight. There's no covering it.

I think I burned my lip on the hard-boiled eggs I peeled with my mouth last night.

Hilarious! I'm glad I can laugh at myself.

I have never heard of this.

So, Laurie, remember those fireworks on New Year's Eve?

Yeah. Apparently it was actually "celebratory gunshots."

That's tacky.

Serious annoyance

So. I'm playing scrabble on facebook with a guy I dated a few times back when he was working for the John Edwards for President campaign, oh, 4 years ago or so. He lives in NYC now.

He just had an 80 point word. Used all his letters, a triple word score and maybe another triple word score. If the triple word score tile was already there, does that count again if he uses that?

And it's NOT SPELLED RIGHT! (OK, it's technically a variation, allowed for some unknown reason, by either the SOWPODS or TWL).

ANUERISM! Spellcheck thinks it's wrong!! FUCKER! Google says: Did you mean aneurysm?

This means war, but my tiles suuuuuuuuck.

Speaking of Teen Pregnancy

Trainwreck family Spears does it again. (Oops!)

Jamie-Lynn Spears, Britney's little sister, is pregnant at the age of 16.

She was seen out last night at an early screening of Juno, which, coincidentally is about a teen pregnancy. If YOU TOO would like to see an early screening of Juno, I have several free passes that let two people in. Not guaranteed seating; show up early.

Tomorrow
7 p.m.
Brier Creek

You'd need to pick them up from me somehow tonight. I'm at work until at least 6. Delivery isn't included.


Oh, and BTW? Britney didn't know.

Bribery

Over the last few weeks (months?) I've been really lax about keeping up with housework. The most egregious example of this is the 2-foot-high mound of clean clothes I sleep with each night. Somehow it's easier to motivate to finally load all the dishes or to clean the tub, toilet and sink than it is to tackle the clothes.

It's been making me feel really bad. I tell myself I'm going to do it, and then I don't. And then I get really angry with myself, and there's a lot of internal grumbling and self-directed pissy-ness. Rinse. Repeat.

Today will be different (Jeeze. I'm already feeling pangs of anxiety about this!) Today I will encourage, cajole and peptalk myself until I've put away the clothes. There are plenty of other things to be freaking out about, too, but today will be the clothes. They're wrinkly but clean. I will hang them up.

And when I'm done, I'll go to Big Lots and buy myself some mascara, if they have it.

UPDATE: I lasted 15 minutes. The clothes are now 1/2 organized on the bed by where they will eventually go. I stopped because I could no longer tolerate the ever-amping up freakout it was causing. WTF?

Mmmmmm Pavo

Gah!
So Full.

Did you think I'd miss a day? Well you were WRONG. Here I am!

Thanksgiving was wonderful; I'll wax sublime tomorrow when I feel more like slogging through details.

As I was leaving Maria's, I turned my phone back on, and immediately got a text message. From a number not saved in my phone, but which I recognized nonetheless (after a momentary internal 'huh?'). There's a reason the number is not in my phone, y'all.

GO AWAY!

If I had wanted to engage, I think the best return text message I could have sent would have looked about like this:

nlm
\ /

(Think about fingers)

I just didn't respond.

Net Neutrality

This video I've embedded has made my day. I actually have no idea what Net Neutrality is about (google! where are you??), but this issue apparently brings together all the happy oddness of the internets I've ever known. Check out We Are the Web. Watch this first:

"Work"

Yesterday morning I got an organization-wide email suggesting we celebrate Thanksgiving by bringing in snack foods for everyone and noshing on them all day long today. Apparently nobody is expected to do anything tomorrow. Dammit. I had a whole slew of catch-up things to do, but now I guess I'll just be sitting around the conference room stuffing my face.

Then one of our employees told me that I'd be bringing the "Southern Sushi" that I made for our last thing like this. It's a pain in the ass to make, and I thought that was an eense presumptuous of her. And from further conversation, it seemed very clear that she just wanted food I made. She hadn't been planning on bringing anything herself (WTF?)

I mean, it's awesome that your coworkers like your food. But that was just bizarre.

Anyway, a bit later I nicely told her that she didn't have to think of anything to bring, because she could do the Southern Sushi! It's easy! It's just ham, cream cheese, and something pickled! Because I was bringing something different! YAY! I think I may have shamed her into bringing something.

(Cristin...I'm making layered taco dip, baby. Oh YEAH.)

une lettre

From	jounpaire (4268 miles)	0% match 0% friend 0% enemy Compare
To	lastewie
Date	37 minutes ago
Subject	une lettre

No picture found. Be suspicious.
32M, Paris, France

salut ca va bien je suis kader age de32 an j'aim parles avce toi ok je laiss mou mail pour parles moi





(I left off the poor guy's email address, but seriously, WTF? I'm thinking spam, only the language/spelling is so horrid...Imperatrix, can you tell if it seems native-languagey?)

Very superstitious

The rain gods have seen fit to bless us with their presence for the last three days. Continuously.

I've been thinking for a long while, more and more and more over the last few weeks, that if/when it rained next I'd rejoice in the good, drenching, happy soak and turn my face up to the skies. I even pledged to myself that I'd not wear rain gear, as an offering.

Praise the rain, and the good that you're sending us. The Little River is dry, as I witnessed last weekend, and most other creek beds are downright dusty. I will forgo minor protection from this gift, and instead celebrate it.

Little did I know I'd be walking a neighbor's dog twice a day when it happened! And that it would have gotten cold!

But it's OK. On balance I'd rather be cold and soaked to the bone with this drought somewhat mitigated.

(I'm a little weirded out by my strong need for this retroactive sacrifice...where the hell is this religious tone coming from?)



View from my office window, 9 a.m.