Surprise!

Back from the dead, I am.

Nobody much blogs anymore do they? Facebook and IRC have taken over my blogging time, not to mention that whole job thing.

Oh, job? Why yes, thanks for asking!

I don't have one. Nope. My organization closed its doors last week, victim of piss poor management after the director left.

Thankfully, I saw the writing on the wall and began looking about a month ago, when they cut my hours back to 80% of full time. So far I've applied for 6 positions and gotten interviews for 4 of them. The last two are at the same organization, and they haven't invited anyone in yet. I have connections at all the places, so I'm not entirely in the dark about what's going on. One position was a stretch (at best) and I didn't get the job, which is fine. The other 5 I'm still in the running for, and are great fits with my experience.

So there's the backstory.

Now for the meat of this post. I'm bored and unmotivated. I've been like this for a while, actually, but with work I didn't have to worry about the boredom except on weekends. Now every day is a weekend. That's what I'm here to change.

I need structure. When I was last unemployed, I did tons of projects and it was fun, if stressful because of money. I have projects I could do now, but I'm lacking this motivation, which sucks. This is why I am going to put some structure in my life, and this blog is what's going to keep me honest.

Here's the plan, which I will likely revise as time goes on.

Wake up
Drink coffee, check FB, computer fun. (One hour)
Blog my schedule
Shower
Work
Lunch
Work
Make dinner

Here's my schedule for Day 1:

8-8:30 Shower
8:30-9:30 House cleaning
9:30-11 Get driver's license renewed.
11-12:30 Make and eat lunch, do dishes.
12:30-3 Look for jobs and apply
3-5 Garden

Garden in the afternoon isn't ideal, because it's going to be hot, but it's wet out there right now.

OK, ¡Adelante, Stew!

Lists of lists

Fun:
Shopping for clothes that fit (fun? meh, but better than nothing)
Cook (fun? kind of, but I don't know what to make)
Sew? Maybe. An apron is lacking.
Decorate? I need a better color scheme in the den. This doesn't seem fun, though.

House:
Sweep
Vacuum
Clean freezer
Laundry
Straighten guest BR

Projects:
Make raised beds for garden.
Photo scanning for Dad and family
Scarf for friend
Sell couch on Craigslist

I feel a distinct lack of motivation. :-(

From excellent to yicky in less than a week!

I haven't talked about the election returns yet, have I? Suffice to say that overall I'm extremely pleased.

Some specifics:
1) No more Liddy Dole. My mom and my friend Michele both called me* when that race was called. Not only did I (figuratively) wish to spit on the woman who took over the seat of another loathesome guy, but I was also very proud to vote for Kay Hagan. She has some sound ideas about sustainable ag and local foods, and I'll always love her for her support of raw milk. Have you tasted that goodness yet? It's a gorgeous sensation.
2) Obama. I doubt I have to say much about this to any of you, but I'm even more impressed that he's planning to recind many of the immoral policies Bush implemented. I volunteered on election day in a county that eventually went for McCain. I didn't do very much at all, but I was glad I took the day off.
3) Anti-choice initiatives failed. Thank goodness.
4) Can you say NC is blue? Yes! Me too!
5) Bad news: Proposition 8 in California passed, as did a number of other anti-gay initiatives. Gotta love people taking away civil rights, ya know?

I spent the night at my friend Ian's place, after going to the NC Dems victory celebration downtown. The energy there (as well as some champagne) gave me a fantastic buzz, and there were celebrations in the streets. So wonderful. Walking downtown the next morning I was so grateful to see people still beaming and making small talk in the street with strangers about how happy they were.

The next day I met with the group of teens I work with, and they were excited as well. They did share some unfortunate experiences documenting the racial tension that still exists even now. I'd expected as much, sadly, so I had prepared a "teachable moment" plan and showed them The Children's March. I was so proud to hear them talk about ways they have already and could continue to stand up to bigotry as it happens today.

So yeah, election week rocked.

But.

There always has to be a but, doesn't there?

Yesterday started out well. I was super productive and did dishes, cooked, and gardened. I'm landscaping most of the front yard, and I realized at Maria's birthday party the night before that I really had to get the irises in that Jamie and the s.o. gave me back over labor day weekend.

While I was doing this, though, I noticed an oddity on the street. Someone had pulled up in front of the house next door for a bit, and then turned around and parked again, this time directly across the street from me. I was a bit oblivious at first, though I did wonder briefly what this person was doing. Were they lost?

Nah. It was a young guy who decided to jerk off to my yardwork. Once I figured that out, I walked out in the street towards him a bit, but really more towards the back of the car. To get the plate number, see? And I did. I got the entire plate number, even before he peeled out. The police were very nice, and I felt strong, proud, and confident. I was happily surprised that my reaction was so matter-of-fact and oriented towards justice. I didn't show him any response beyond first being puzzled and then calmly (not even forced calm...I was zenned out) observing and memorizing as much info about the situation as I could. I emailed two neighborhood listservs with the details as well, and many residents cheered me.

Unfortunately, that pride and calm dissipated as the night wore on, taking me to a place of fear and worry. What if he retaliated? What if he broke in or vandalized my car? My god, he knows where I live, after all. What if Bubba's barking (Loud! Mean-sounding!) compelled this asswipe (and the friends I imagined would accompany him) to shoot Bubba?

I read By the Shores of Silver Lake last night, and didn't contain my tears when Jack died in his sleep.

I'm going to the police department in the morning to check on their progress. I've contacted local sexual violence crisis centers for advice and support. I can't imagine the horror that a more serious act of sexual violence would be like. I'm glad I haven't had to. This was gross enough.

Lotta tags for this post, hm?

*Michele actually texted me, and I then called her.

Best dog name, ever.

I'm always pretty embarrassed after I vomit out something particularly maudlin onto this blog. Usually I try to move on to the next post as soon as possible, because pushing it down off the page at least hides it from me for a while.

I've been pretty unmotivated to post for the last long while though. ME! Queen of the overpost!

Ah well.

Something to do

I'm trying to figure out a small project that I can complete today without going crazy that will help put me in a better frame of mind. Any suggestions?

Yesterday was pretty much a write-off as far as accomplishments go. I spent a lot of time doing sudokus and napping on the couch.

The house is a mess (surprise!) in part because we're still rather overcome with boxes from the recent move-in. The other part is that we need to make room for much more *stuff* I also have a few pieces of furniture I'd like to be rid of. Actually, there's a lot I'd like to get rid of. I've been considering a yard sale for a while now. I'm living in an environment that's about 15% comfortable.

The yard is a mess as well. However, I think cleaning something might just be the winner in my plan to deslothify. The problem is, I think, that once I start to clean, I tend to get distracted and move my focus on to other projects, resulting in often unnoticeable dents in many different areas.

Total change of subject. Does anyone else feel self-conscious when wearing a red top and khaki bottoms? I once got mistaken for an employee when checking out at Target in such an ensemble. Problem is, that combo is really really common and fits well with my default fashion technique: mix and match neutrals.

Waiting to leave

Isn't he a handsome guy? A good friend, too. I've had a fantastic almost-week here in DC, mostly due to the company. Yes, Toby Toberson was a highlight, as he let me snuggle him half to death and loved it. But Marc, well, Marc was the best part. He's a fantastic host, and really easy to share living space with.

Other features: good eats, good drinks, afternoon naps, crosswords, and of course walks both with and without the Tobinator.

I was originally only going to stay until Sunday, but then we learned that our sweet Nem was coming into town yesterday for a conference this week. So with very little arm-twisting, I stayed until this morning. We all had dinner last night at a rooftop restaurant in Marc's neighborhood, and for the first time in ages I felt at home. Emily and Marc and I all met at around the same time at the same workplace almost 10 years ago. Others from that time are no longer much in my life, but those two have staying power. We haven't all lived in the same place for years now, and life gets complicated as we get older--jobs, families, moves. So it was a really, really nice reunion.

I never much remember the sightseeing I do on trips like this. I did go to the National Portrait Gallery, as well as the aforementioned trip to the zoo and Natural History Museum. I suppose if I lived here, I'd ignore all of that--it tends to be my M.O.

Yesterday afternoon I had a small attack of the blues. I tried to stay mindful, but I knew I was going home today, to a job that doesn't pay as well as I deserve, a messy house, a lack of companionship, and not much motivation.

My reaction to being in a city was one of pure joy at first. Built-in exercise, interesting sights, seemingly HUGE numbers of hot, single men, and a whole world outside my door. But there's also a part of me that knows that even if I moved here for good I'd still be the same person. A person in a major rut.

I have to get out of it.

Market bag

It's passed already. Just needed to get out of bed, step in the shower, put on some clothes and hightail it over to my coffee shop.

Yesterday I finished this hot pink market bag I'd put on the back burner for a while. It took just an extremely boring medical interpreter training to motivate me!! Filling in vocab sheets when the trainer a) can't train to save her life and b) is wrong three times a minute and c) takes forever and rambles serves to really get that hook flying.

So here it is in all its dubitable* glory.

I'll call the kids shortly, now that the moment of woe has passed.

*I love making words from other words.

Loose ends

I can't figure out what to do with my time. There are things I should be doing (ahem, taxes), but it's the weekend, and well, yuck.

So I'm in bed, awake for the past 4 hours, but I haven't done anything other than cruise along on the internet. I want coffee, but seem to be too lazy to make it. I suppose the plan was to get up and go to a coffee shop, but I couldn't find the motivation. I didn't know where to go, and I didn't know what I'd do when I got there. I suppose I'm just feeling like I'm at loose ends.

There's a little bit of a bummer-drag feeling inside of me today, also. I got a text message from someone who I have no respect for, but who is inextricably linked to my three favorite boys. They're apparently in Nashville currently, and The Father (who I really dislike interacting with) wanted to see if he could call me "since it's a favorite place of yours" or some such. Well, I haven't been to Nashville in 15 years. What's really bumming me out/pissing me off about this is that The Father was a friend of mine way before he was The Brother In Law and then The Father and then the Asshole. And in that role of friend, he came to visit me in Nashville. So the text message makes me just that much more bitter and sad and pissed off, remembering those nice memories and how tainted they are now.

I'm crying a little bit now for that lost friendship. And for knowing that right now I *can't* call them because he still makes me so angry, even four years later. And that makes me feel guilty, because a big part of me wants to let bygones be bygones for the sake of my dear sweet boys. Why shouldn't they talk to their aunt when they're in a town that she lived in? It's my inability to deal that's upsetting me. I don't want to be that person who stops talking to other people. It messes with kids. I mean, if it were just some random person who fucked me over I would have no problem with just cutting them out of my life. But this isn't comparable.

I also feel guilty, of course, because I'm not the one who was most wronged in this situation. My anger is mostly by proxy, but also directly. He lied to everyone. I trusted him and he fucked up royally, and for a very long time, and very badly.

So kids, if you have friends who become relatives, a word to the wise. Don't be an untrustworthy asshole who hurts those around them, who trusted you and loved you and welcomed you with open arms. Don't lie and disrespect and screw over your friends' loved ones, their family, their friendship.

Just don't. It leads to days like this.

Thanks.

Small world, man.

Hilarious.

Today when I went to the doctor, I remembered that I'd actually be seeing a PA rather than my regular guy. That, understandingly, gave me a bit of anxiety, considering where my health is at the moment. I also knew though that my doctor is closely supervising her and would be actually stopping in during the appointment.

My main concerns: a) lack of background knowledge. This woman wouldn't know me, wouldn't know my current situation, and thusly wouldn't have the same insight into what works for me. And then b) I didn't know her. Compatibility, confidence and trust are practically as important in provider/patient relationships as with romantic relationships, in my book. I was facing uncertainty during a time that can only be described as crisis.

Never doubt that the universe will provide, people. The woman I was scheduled to see, whose name didn't even ring a bell to me, is a PA that I used to see when she was working in the neurology clinic at Big Public Teaching Hospital. She knew me. I knew her. I trust her. I adore her. She's fab. She knew who I'd be before I even showed up. ("Could it be the same Stewie McStewerson I used to treat for epilepsy?" she told me she had asked herself) As soon as I saw her the chips fell into place.

Sum total: We're upping my meds, and I'm going to be better at taking others that I'm prescribed for "as needed" that I tend to avoid. Any medicine that is a controlled substance kind of makes me wary. (No, I won't be taking Gamma Hydroxybutyric Acid or peyote or anything--just some run of the mill and mild things, and short term at that.)

SO! ChaCHING!

"New" provider is not so new.
Meds are going to be good.
Optimism reigns in the face of challenges.
It's also pretty clearly a physiological issue rather than situational or psychological.

I'm good. I'll be better. But we knew that already, no?

Lockdown

No, it wasn't just you. I had a slight meltdown in the middle of the night last night and questioned the wiseness of my whole blog's existence, and so I closed it to anyone but me. I opened it back up this morning.

I overshare, and I overshared again last night. I've taken the post down that I wrote. It embarrassed me. The whole blog embarrasses me! I feel so...DRAMATIC. I hate DRAMA.

The truth is I'm doing really badly, and have been for some time. I have another doctor's appointment on Wednesday, so that's good. I dunno.

I don't want people to judge me based on how pathetic I must come across recently.

MUCH better

But still cold! It's amazing what comfort home brings; both homes, really. But coming home to my house with my stuff and my zone, and my agenda is way less stressful. Phew!

Blech

I've not been feeling well...in the sad way. Mom mentioned today that I was being really negative, and I was. I've also had some major irritability, which I hope I've been containing. No need for others to suffer, but I've probably not been doing very well. I already mentioned the increased sleep. Nothing appeals to me, really. Sleep? Eh. Food? Eh. Shopping? Eh. Read? Eh. TV? Eh. Movie? Eh. Internet? Eh. I wish I had some binocs. Maybe I'll take a walk tomorrow with Stella, Annie's dog. Find a dog park or something and really tire her out.

I lost it the other night to a friend over IM. I'd had too much of that damn beer-keg beer, and it made me super weepy. So I wept about my state of being. It hurt to even think about those who love me, in list form, which was what my friend was suggesting. It made me sad. I'm not sure why it made me sad, because there are a lot of people on the list, but I'm tearing up again about it even as I write this. It was just profoundly sad to be having to list the people who love you, I guess.

I slept during the day today. I was uncomfortably cold and so crawled into bed. I lay there and the world just seemed really, really bleak. I think it must have been about 2 when I went to bed. I woke up as night was falling. Mom and Pedro had some kind of business meeting, so I watched TV. God, TV sucks. I'm getting ready to go back to bed. There's nothing else that sounds good, and sleep is less about sounding good than it is about having a way to pass the time that doesn't hurt. Oh, except I did have bad dreams during my nap.

I don't know how to talk about this to people in person when it's this bad. I hate it. I think it has to be just as hard for others. I mean, I feel guilty expressing what I'm feeling because it's SO HATEFUL to myself. For example, I just put a "depression" tag down there. Just as I typed in "depression" thoughts flitted through my head about how there should really be a whole lot more tags in there, like loser, stupid, boring, ugly etc etc etc etc. I'm ashamed.

It's worse at night. I'll wake up feeling a little better. There's always coffee to look forward to.

p.s. Mom? I don't want to talk about it. There's no cause. It just IS.

Bleh

I'm actively not looking forward to tomorrow, but at least I'll be out of the house. And it has to be better than my weekend has been.

Oh, and my roommate's birthday is on Tuesday. Any suggestions on what I should do? I feel bad that I've been being so solitary and messy of late.

More than one way to skin a cat!

My dear Suzanne called me for a pick-me-up trip out to a strip mall. She seemed to know that a pedicure would be the way back on track.

And an eyebrow waxing.
And a new cashmere sweater.
And hot chocolate.
And fixings for green bean casserole.

And major, major silliness.

Silliness runs in my family. When my sister went through a really hard time a few years ago (Cheating, lying asshole!), she also turned to the absurd for a little help. In her case it was hairnets. She always felt better when she would put on a hairnet and go out in public. Mostly she used the "invisible" kind, but I think that was just because she couldn't find a heavy duty one. I took care of that for her--we've got heavy duty hairnets down here. Thanks USPS.

I didn't know I was going to be silly today. But when I got into Suze's car, I noticed she had in her console some clear glasses that almost looked like Paris Hilton might wear, if they were tinted. But...strangely...they were clear. And left over from her man's trip onto a job site where he had worn them for protection. Heh.

I decided that I needed to wear them around. Suze called me Helga, at my request. I told the lady at Kohl's that I couldn't tell her my zip code.

I leef oat oof cowntry

I think I'd mentioned that I've reconnected with some old friends from college. One of them, a guy I'd always adored, is single. And kind of nearby. And funny.

And says things like this:

How does a volcano sign-off a letter?

Lava,

B

Cute.

No good, very bad day

NB: It always passes. And it already has...HA! (9:30 a.m.)

How can I be feeling like this day is crap and all other days will be crap and crappity crappiness and that I'll never ever have what I want or need and that who cares?

It's only 7:30 a.m. on a Sunday!!!

The trigger was just now seeing that someone had looked at a profile I have up online. It was the someone I was so excited about going out with a while back who didn't work out in the least. I clicked back onto his profile after I saw he'd been by, and he's now "in a relationship" with this other woman who apparently I have friends in common with outside of Web 2.0 stuff.

Logically, I shouldn't give a rat's ass. We had a brief, crazy roller coaster ride and just about everything about him is wrong for me. He does occasionally read here (GO AWAY!), so I won't go into *all* the reasons why that is, but one major one is just a lack of values in common. Maybe I really mean priorities? Materialist-over-the-top vs. tending towards asceticism. Going out every night vs. wanting to be settled and putter around the house. (I left any judgment behind in this description. I do, however, have opinions that I'll go ahead and leave unspoken)

I don't even like or respect him all that much, for chrissake.

Emotionally, though, I'm feeling wrung out and hung to dry. It's not just this new information, which, remember, was only a trigger for this angst.

Been having bad thoughts...like that I suck (not true) and that I suck (not true) and that I'll never (fill in the blank with concern of the day/minute)and that I'll always (fill in the blank with things I'd like to change but haven't yet). That a, b or c aspect of life is just horrible and why bother trying to interact or change things?

I'm dealing with an extreme lack of optimism for the future, an inability to manage the present, and just overall feelings of hopelessness.

I spent all weekend with myself and only me; this lack of intimacy will eventually kill me, I fear--not physically.

I want to do something now to get rid of this horrible state, but can't think of anything I would be able to do.

I'm lonely.