Sunday, November 11, 2007

No good, very bad day

NB: It always passes. And it already has...HA! (9:30 a.m.)

How can I be feeling like this day is crap and all other days will be crap and crappity crappiness and that I'll never ever have what I want or need and that who cares?

It's only 7:30 a.m. on a Sunday!!!

The trigger was just now seeing that someone had looked at a profile I have up online. It was the someone I was so excited about going out with a while back who didn't work out in the least. I clicked back onto his profile after I saw he'd been by, and he's now "in a relationship" with this other woman who apparently I have friends in common with outside of Web 2.0 stuff.

Logically, I shouldn't give a rat's ass. We had a brief, crazy roller coaster ride and just about everything about him is wrong for me. He does occasionally read here (GO AWAY!), so I won't go into *all* the reasons why that is, but one major one is just a lack of values in common. Maybe I really mean priorities? Materialist-over-the-top vs. tending towards asceticism. Going out every night vs. wanting to be settled and putter around the house. (I left any judgment behind in this description. I do, however, have opinions that I'll go ahead and leave unspoken)

I don't even like or respect him all that much, for chrissake.

Emotionally, though, I'm feeling wrung out and hung to dry. It's not just this new information, which, remember, was only a trigger for this angst.

Been having bad that I suck (not true) and that I suck (not true) and that I'll never (fill in the blank with concern of the day/minute)and that I'll always (fill in the blank with things I'd like to change but haven't yet). That a, b or c aspect of life is just horrible and why bother trying to interact or change things?

I'm dealing with an extreme lack of optimism for the future, an inability to manage the present, and just overall feelings of hopelessness.

I spent all weekend with myself and only me; this lack of intimacy will eventually kill me, I fear--not physically.

I want to do something now to get rid of this horrible state, but can't think of anything I would be able to do.

I'm lonely.