Wednesday, December 26, 2007


I've not been feeling the sad way. Mom mentioned today that I was being really negative, and I was. I've also had some major irritability, which I hope I've been containing. No need for others to suffer, but I've probably not been doing very well. I already mentioned the increased sleep. Nothing appeals to me, really. Sleep? Eh. Food? Eh. Shopping? Eh. Read? Eh. TV? Eh. Movie? Eh. Internet? Eh. I wish I had some binocs. Maybe I'll take a walk tomorrow with Stella, Annie's dog. Find a dog park or something and really tire her out.

I lost it the other night to a friend over IM. I'd had too much of that damn beer-keg beer, and it made me super weepy. So I wept about my state of being. It hurt to even think about those who love me, in list form, which was what my friend was suggesting. It made me sad. I'm not sure why it made me sad, because there are a lot of people on the list, but I'm tearing up again about it even as I write this. It was just profoundly sad to be having to list the people who love you, I guess.

I slept during the day today. I was uncomfortably cold and so crawled into bed. I lay there and the world just seemed really, really bleak. I think it must have been about 2 when I went to bed. I woke up as night was falling. Mom and Pedro had some kind of business meeting, so I watched TV. God, TV sucks. I'm getting ready to go back to bed. There's nothing else that sounds good, and sleep is less about sounding good than it is about having a way to pass the time that doesn't hurt. Oh, except I did have bad dreams during my nap.

I don't know how to talk about this to people in person when it's this bad. I hate it. I think it has to be just as hard for others. I mean, I feel guilty expressing what I'm feeling because it's SO HATEFUL to myself. For example, I just put a "depression" tag down there. Just as I typed in "depression" thoughts flitted through my head about how there should really be a whole lot more tags in there, like loser, stupid, boring, ugly etc etc etc etc. I'm ashamed.

It's worse at night. I'll wake up feeling a little better. There's always coffee to look forward to.

p.s. Mom? I don't want to talk about it. There's no cause. It just IS.