Here are some of the birds I saw this weekend!!
Coming back home:
Indigo Bunting
Hooded Warbler
Common Yellowthroat
Just passing through:
Black-throated Blue Warbler
American Redstart
Ah! Very nice day. Woke up tired and, not surprisingly, swollen puffy in the under eye region. Drank coffee, dressed, drove to berry patch, picked with a couple of friends, and then stopped off on the way home at a wildlife observatory to bird a little. I apparently have had a new crop of allergies begin. Symptoms: contact dermatitis on the inner forearms (contact with plants?) and the ever present sneezy/runny nose.
It was about 10 by the time I got to the birding zone, so the birds had mostly settled back somewhere to chill, but I did see some interesting species.
Bald eagles, close up, for example. Juvies, though, so not quite as striking as the white-head you normally think about. Also saw some Black and White Warblers, and an Eastern Kingbird. A male Eastern Towhee with his crest raised ZWEEEPed and his mate across the trail zweeped quietly right back at him, through a billful of food. That was pretty cute.
Came home, napped and put off the processing of the fruit. The 12 POUNDS of strawberries and the three of rhubarb!
Got up, chilled a little more and then washed, bagged and froze 8ish quarts of berries. Another went to strawberry rhubarb jam, currently cooling, and I froze two quarts of rhubarb for later pies. There's half a shoebox full of berries left in the fridge. I'd guess it's about two quarts worth. I'll be free on Sunday, so maybe I'll get to the pie then.
I feel a lot better, but am still annoyed.
So, sadness: to display or to stifle*?
555-fouh fouh fouh fouh-- Give a call, we'll talk, no big whoop.
My gut feeling is to let the tears flow and accept them, when possible. I've not ever been real successful at stemming tears, but I am excellent at feeling bad about crying.
Crying feels uncomfortable to me when I'm doing it, and frequently afterwards as well. I don't get the relief that some people claim. I do get annoyed, though. It also makes me want to hide.
When I was at Al's memorial service last weekend, I didn't feel concerned or pathetic or anything about crying. And the tears *really* streamed. Maybe that's because everyone else was crying, too.
Hm.
*assuming one is home and not in the boss's office or on a date or something
In advance: Sorry to be such a bummer drag.
**********
Patterns in my life that don't seem capable of being changed really mess with me. I don't know. When I used to be depressed all the time, I didn't have much time or energy to deal with, you know, the things that actually make you fulfilled in life. It was more about keeping the head above the water. So now that that part of my life is (hopefully) pretty much gone and definitely NOT an issue now, I get to focus on the real meaty problems.
I've done a really good job getting myself out of habits like telling myself I suck. I don't do that anymore. Nor do I always blame myself or take responsibility for every single thing that ever goes wrong. I don't apologize for being me, most of the time, and I don't assume that what other people like is what I should like.
I'm scared to say this, which is probably why I should say it. As much as I think I try to fix the things in my life that aren't like I like them, I think I maybe just kind of fool myself into thinking I'm trying.
Maybe I don't do what I need to do.
Or maybe I'm getting depressed? Sigh. I don't know. I'd say not, and usually I can tell the difference. This isn't "I suck, there's no way out, i suck and I wanna die." This is "Oh my god I'm sick of my situation, and I feel like I'm doing all the right things, but when the hell are these two, three sticking points going to change?"
But, uh oh, I did just catch myself having spiral thoughts. You know the ones that go kind of like this: Well, it's really just that I'm not dating. Wait. And also that I don't have a house, and that I'm a bad money manager cause I just don't CARE and that well, who would want to date someone this fat, even if she is as nice as I am (OK, so not all is lost. I still have a pretty healthy view of my internal goodness. Just not the external. Because my hair sucks and I am out of shape, and all of a sudden my formerly perfect skin has gone all blotchy and riddled with weird lumps....oh and did I mention I've gotten fat?). And my, I'm not a very good worker, am I? And look at how lazy I can be. Oh my am I lazy....and my brain is just so SLOW. I can't remember the questions i want to ask the kids, and it doesn't really flow and I'm killing the plants, and I eat the damn peas before they're big enough. What's with the cracks in the radishes, anyway? And yeah, you look ugly when you have to wear the clothes you have; buy yourself something new instead of relying on some woman's freecycled clothes that are all dumpy.
That, my friends is kind of what my brain on depression looks like. But that's only 10% of me at my worst.
I still don't think I'm depressed now. Believe me, if anyone knows, I do. This is temporary and by tomorrow I'll be happy again, willing to go forward. I'll be proud of who I am, and what I do, and I'll lament those poor souls who have never met me and will never experience a bout of giggles with me.
But.
BUT
BUTBUTBUTBUTBUTBUTBUT
Recently having had an unrequited crush, I've been brought back to think again and again and again about how I am so fucking lonely. I sleep with a fucking Snoopy I got as a child. And it soothes me. That is SAD. I meet about one single man every, oh, year lets say. (I know that's a complete exaggeration, but suffice to say I've not dated since the early 1990s. There's something fundamentally wrong with that).
And that, my friends, is my demon. It hides away most of the time. But occasionally, like now, because of this boy I like who doesn't like me, well, it smarts. It smarts even more than just feeling lonely, because now I have the feeling not only of having lost out (the rejection part doesn't really bug me), but also because now he's going off the market.
Right now it feels like I'll never, ever find the companionship I want. That I need. It feels like that was my last chance ever. I was telling the man involved just yesterday that I'm in a great place now. Good job. Great friends. Hobbies I love. Causes. Community....so why can't that last piece just fall in?
I'm feeling like making a deal with the devil. I would give up...oh man, tons of things....sex? money? birds? gardening? internet? food???... if only I had someone to share the rest of it with. Everything feels really out of control right now.
This is one of those posts that I'll look back on in 20 years and wonder how in the world I could ever have been so damn angsty.
But in the meanwhile, I'm crying here. I've been crying once a week or so about this for some time. I hate it. I need to clean my glasses and take some sudafed, now that I can't breathe.
There're strawberries to be picked tomorrow, though.
Thursday, May 3rd 2007
7:30 a.m. Go to Jean's Berry Patch and pick, like, $10-15 of strawberries
9:00 a.m. Wash and process berries. Freeze many. Make jam. Buy rhubarb. Make pie. Not necessarily in that order.
Friday, May 4th, 2007
8:30 a.m. work
6:00 p.m. stop work
8:00 p.m. Rod Stewart concert, if my boss picks my name in the drawing and gives me two free tickets. I have one person who thinks they can go with me, but let me know if YOU want to go, in case that falls through!
Saturday, May 5th, 2007
7:00 a.m. Report to Mason Farm Biological Reserve to participate in the Spring Bird count 2007 with well-renowned local birders and friends.
11:00 a.m. Scoot home and shower.
12:30 p.m. Arrive at work (So far I will have driven ~50-60 miles)
5:00 p.m. Go to Maria's house with tent, sleeping bag, binoculars, change of clothes for hiking and etc. Party. Party. Party. Sleep over in tent.
Sunday May 6th, 2007
7:00 a.m. Bird with Maria, her partner David and some others. I can't remember who all she said.
I think I'm supposed to do other stuff on Sunday too, but I don't remember what!
Wow...
Good news! We won!
For details:
See below the letter an advocacy organization sent me this afternoon.
I was there in the legislature, and it was fabulous. If I can take it, tomorrow I'll write up my impression of the politicking that went on...
Hello Stew,
We don't know if it was the 10,000 E-mails you sent, the thousands of phone calls you made, or the dozens of you who showed up at the hearings, but one way or another YOU made it happen!
Today, May 1, the House Health Committee passed HB 879 -- Modify School Health Education Program!
For the first time in a decade, a bill to bring REAL Sex Education to North Carolina Students is making progress in the House. After the meeting we heard reports from the committee members that they were overwhelmed by the number of phone calls and E-mails they received in support of this essential legislation.
THANK YOU for making today a success.
However, today was only the first step in the journey that a bill takes to become a law. In the coming weeks as this bill is heard elsewhere, we will need the same support and enthusiasm you showed for this first hearing! We know you can do it!
What comes next?
Today the health committee referred HB 879 to an Education Subcommittee, who will review it and make a recommendation to the House. If the committee's recommendation is favorable, the full House of Representatives will decide on this bill before the end of the month.
Some time in the next week we will ask you to contact the Education Subcommittee. As soon as we find out when this bill is scheduled, we will ask you to attend. Look for E-mail from us, and take action whenever and however you can. For right now, share this E-mail with a friend and make sure everyone is in the know about sex ed in NC!
House Bill 879 is YOUR Sex Ed bill and you guaranteed its passage through today's tough health committee meeting. With your continuing hard work, North Carolina students will almost surely get the education they need and the information the deserve to make healthy, lifelong choices about their lives and their bodies!
