In advance: Sorry to be such a bummer drag.
Patterns in my life that don't seem capable of being changed really mess with me. I don't know. When I used to be depressed all the time, I didn't have much time or energy to deal with, you know, the things that actually make you fulfilled in life. It was more about keeping the head above the water. So now that that part of my life is (hopefully) pretty much gone and definitely NOT an issue now, I get to focus on the real meaty problems.
I've done a really good job getting myself out of habits like telling myself I suck. I don't do that anymore. Nor do I always blame myself or take responsibility for every single thing that ever goes wrong. I don't apologize for being me, most of the time, and I don't assume that what other people like is what I should like.
I'm scared to say this, which is probably why I should say it. As much as I think I try to fix the things in my life that aren't like I like them, I think I maybe just kind of fool myself into thinking I'm trying.
Maybe I don't do what I need to do.
Or maybe I'm getting depressed? Sigh. I don't know. I'd say not, and usually I can tell the difference. This isn't "I suck, there's no way out, i suck and I wanna die." This is "Oh my god I'm sick of my situation, and I feel like I'm doing all the right things, but when the hell are these two, three sticking points going to change?"
But, uh oh, I did just catch myself having spiral thoughts. You know the ones that go kind of like this: Well, it's really just that I'm not dating. Wait. And also that I don't have a house, and that I'm a bad money manager cause I just don't CARE and that well, who would want to date someone this fat, even if she is as nice as I am (OK, so not all is lost. I still have a pretty healthy view of my internal goodness. Just not the external. Because my hair sucks and I am out of shape, and all of a sudden my formerly perfect skin has gone all blotchy and riddled with weird lumps....oh and did I mention I've gotten fat?). And my, I'm not a very good worker, am I? And look at how lazy I can be. Oh my am I lazy....and my brain is just so SLOW. I can't remember the questions i want to ask the kids, and it doesn't really flow and I'm killing the plants, and I eat the damn peas before they're big enough. What's with the cracks in the radishes, anyway? And yeah, you look ugly when you have to wear the clothes you have; buy yourself something new instead of relying on some woman's freecycled clothes that are all dumpy.
That, my friends is kind of what my brain on depression looks like. But that's only 10% of me at my worst.
I still don't think I'm depressed now. Believe me, if anyone knows, I do. This is temporary and by tomorrow I'll be happy again, willing to go forward. I'll be proud of who I am, and what I do, and I'll lament those poor souls who have never met me and will never experience a bout of giggles with me.
Recently having had an unrequited crush, I've been brought back to think again and again and again about how I am so fucking lonely. I sleep with a fucking Snoopy I got as a child. And it soothes me. That is SAD. I meet about one single man every, oh, year lets say. (I know that's a complete exaggeration, but suffice to say I've not dated since the early 1990s. There's something fundamentally wrong with that).
And that, my friends, is my demon. It hides away most of the time. But occasionally, like now, because of this boy I like who doesn't like me, well, it smarts. It smarts even more than just feeling lonely, because now I have the feeling not only of having lost out (the rejection part doesn't really bug me), but also because now he's going off the market.
Right now it feels like I'll never, ever find the companionship I want. That I need. It feels like that was my last chance ever. I was telling the man involved just yesterday that I'm in a great place now. Good job. Great friends. Hobbies I love. Causes. Community....so why can't that last piece just fall in?
I'm feeling like making a deal with the devil. I would give up...oh man, tons of things....sex? money? birds? gardening? internet? food???... if only I had someone to share the rest of it with. Everything feels really out of control right now.
This is one of those posts that I'll look back on in 20 years and wonder how in the world I could ever have been so damn angsty.
But in the meanwhile, I'm crying here. I've been crying once a week or so about this for some time. I hate it. I need to clean my glasses and take some sudafed, now that I can't breathe.
There're strawberries to be picked tomorrow, though.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
In advance: Sorry to be such a bummer drag.