Monday, January 14, 2008

Chill, honey.

I've been communicating back and forth quite a lot over the last couple of weeks with Crush, who is one of many people I'll be seeing this weekend when I road trip around Georgia. The most recent conversation ended with him promising to make me some mixtapes for the ride back, using the CD format.

Y'all. Mixtapes. Swoon.

I have to get a hold of my emotions on this. On the one hand, the giddiness I'm feeling is just a beautiful thing to behold. I feel like I'm 14 years old. I hop along on a cloud and reread our communications over and over. I analyze every word he says to see if I can tell any intentions or interest on his part beyond friends touching base again. On average, when we IM it's for like, 1-2 hours straight, non-multitasking. He makes me laugh. Oh, my, does he ever make me laugh.
On the other hand, all of this is happening just over IM! He's impossible to read—he could either be joking or flirting!! This could be anything! And also, I haven't seen him for 16 (holy shit) years! Since 1992! I've only seen a couple of pictures! And besides, there's the distance to consider.

I’ve been obsessing a bit about this guy. I admit it. My mind is running ahead of reality. I don’t know if he has any interest in me beyond reminiscing about Old Times, and yet I’m finding myself considering such insanities as whether or not I’d move if it came down to it. Whether I’d like his family. Whether he has a cat and if so, will he please get rid of it. Whether he’d want a traditional wedding or could we just elope, as I’ve always planned to do?

Hey Cart? Get back over behind Nelly where you belong, ok?

I’m analyzing our similarities and differences in areas ranging from communication style, to religion, to politics, to life goals…the things we have in common are uncanny. The differences don’t seem to be deal breakers. I was extremely relieved, for example, when his self-categorization as a “Staunch Republican” was quickly followed by a “just kidding.” I mean, we’re not 100% on everything, but who is? There are some major obstacles, though. We’re from extremely different cultural backgrounds, for example. But again, it seems more of a challenge/opportunity than a brick wall.

That’s all just fantasy, I know. And it’s not related to Crush himself, I don't think. No matter who the person was, I’d be having these racing thoughts if I were as interested as I am in Crush.

I'm trying REALLY hard to be balanced in my approach to meeting up with Crush. I tell myself that no matter what happens this weekend, I am lucky to be back in touch with a dear friend. I’m trying to sit with the uncertainty of how he might feel.

But I don’t think I’m doing very well at finding the balance. If you’ve talked or IMed with me in the last few weeks, I’ve probably told you something like this:

“Ooooh! Crush said BLAH!! What do you think? Do you think it means Something? Is he really interested? Isn’t he so funny? Let me tell you what he said about BLAH! Oh, he’s just cute as can be. Look at how cute he is! Isn't he handsome? I love how the gray looks. You know, we practically finish each others sentences when we talk. And he and I have lived in the same places, but just at different times, over the years. It’s like we weren’t quite ready to meet back up and now we have!”

(I'm rolling my eyes at myself right now, but I'm still smiling.)

Emily tells me that usually I'm pretty fatalistic about any possible love interest. I'm worried about whether I'm being sufficiently cautious, this time. I'm scared that I'm idealizing this too much, and I'm scared that I'll be crushed if it doesn't work out, whatever THAT means. I have NO IDEA what I expect to come out of this weekend, and that scares me too. I'm so inexperienced at this whole romance thing.

I'm just a mess. But I'm grinning about it.