Sunday, January 21, 2007

Boy howdy

I didn't go out last night at all. I missed both Crazy John's party and the benefit. Earlier, I was really excited, but then when the time came I just lay on the bed with the laptop on my stomach reading Fark. (Now, THAT is bad!) I also ate my weight in spinach pie and some less-healthy foodstuffs as well.

That "Maybe I just don't need to leave the house" thing is rearing its head again, I'm afraid. So in just a second I'm going to go birding for the first time in a month. It's NOT COOL to leave aside the things you like! So yeah. I hope I see something new out there this morning.

I think I just figured out in part why I didn't go out last night. I was afraid. I was afraid I'd run into people at the benefit that would ask me what I'm doing and I'd have to respond that "Oh, no, I'm not working. What a blast!" John's would have been different. Less pressure and all. But still, the thought of facing so many people I don't know overruled the guilt I knew I'd feel if I didn't go. But at least I don't think I was missed.

Related: I have a trick to help when I feel self-conscious about x issue in my life (body, intelligence, job, awkwardness, not going to a party and feeling guilty about it). I try to remember that despite MY concentration on everything about myself that could be found lacking, other people aren't so fascinated in me and probably aren't thinking twice about the things that worry me. And then I say, you know what? They're probably so caught up in their own shit that they aren't even considering how *I* may have messed up. Cut yourself a break, Stew!

Unfortunately that technique was not enough to get me out last night.

Move along...nothing to see here. Just some inconsequential dreck about my failings. And a simmering concern that not only is this entry stupidly uninteresting to other people who may read here, but also that it will prompt people to be all "It's OK! You're a winner! People value you!" which will make my teeth fall out.