Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Bad Attitude

I'm going to start with the serious and end with the funny. Deal?

I asked my closest friend Emily to be brutally honest with me about why she thought I so rarely date. She's really good at giving honest, helpful feedback in a way that's not at all judgmental. I'll let you know what she said in just a sec.

I swear I want to date. There just seem to be so many barriers. Some I can identify, and others are just not at all on my radar. I was trying to get at the latter reasons, to see what I can do about them, if anything.

First the ones I know:

I'm a homebody. In some ways it's a very healthy thing--I'm comfortable enough with myself to spend a great deal of time alone. In other ways, not so much. I've been trying to get out more after work, even when I don't want to. I usually don't want to. I've been having a bit of a problem with enjoying myself at all (yeah...working on that via meds and non-medical interventions, so to speak), and I rarely want to interact with others. Boiling this reason down to the essence, I'm not meeting new people on a regular basis.

Second: I have cultivated a pretty bad attitude. Miss Negativity isn't going to be too appealing to others. I'm a positive person in almost every other part of my life, and yet this one is a sticking point. The specifics on this one is that I'm pretty convinced that all the good ones (good=right for me) are taken already. Hence, why bother?

Additionally, though most of this issue has been eliminated, there's a part of me somewhere that doesn't see how I'd be likeable in that way. There are some aspects of my personality that I don't like, and I see them as being SO bad that someone looking to date me would see them as deal-breakers. I'd be happy to list those qualities offline, if anyone is interested. :-) Most of the time I am able to frame them in my mind as mere quirks or even charming idiosyncrasies, but recently they've been coloring my self-image.

I think this might be one of those self-fulfilling prophecies. No dating=feeling undateable. Rinse. Repeat.

And last is that whole pesky depression thing that's been rearing its head recently. I'm working on this one. Even looking over what I've said so far, I can see how it's affecting my thoughts. That's a positive sign, actually, that I realize that my thinking is a bit skewed.

So, Emily's additions. She knows what I am able to identify, so she gave me some gentle feedback. One is that I've traditionally limited my possible suitors by age. I've been more likely to go with the younger men, but men older than me I'd kind of rejected out of hand. I have no idea why. Have adjusted this. Secondly, she mentioned that people are often looking for a specific body type that is not currently mine; in other words, a man's initial impressions of an overweight woman are not based on personality. This, too, is fair. I'm pretty much the same. My first impressions of men are for sure colored by their physique (among other things; I've dated heavier men, but not until they've shown themselves to be excellent to others.) She also thinks my standards are too high. I think what she meant by this is that I'm not really willing to settle.

Those are the issues, it seems.

Therefore. Steps I can take.

1) Get out more. Do you have any suggestions as to where and when?
2) Lose weight. I want to do this too. This weight I've picked up in the last year is excruciating. Mind you, even when I had lost tons of weight a couple of years ago, I had the exact same dating issues as I do now.
3) Up the optimism.
4) Continue to quell my figurative self-flogging.
5) Be open to men I'd dismiss initially. Reserve judgment.

OK. I promised levity.

Here we go:

Taglines of men who have been interested in the profile I recently reinstated. I've kept the original spelling etc. intact for your pleasure.

  • im just an average to ride my horses when its not to hot or easy going,like to hang out with friends and go to horse shows.just a country
  • Thank you for taking time to check me out, I know how prescious time can be. About me? Where does one start describing himself without sounding conceded.
  • I am looking for miss right due to my age.I am fed up with bs and games.Looking for someone down to earth and is not a LIAR.I have never been married but maybe if i meet the right one...
  • Looking for that special lady who is ready to be treated like a lady, Luv to walk on the beach under the moonlight, slow dancing to some great country music with that special one
  • I am looking for a woman that is funny and can take a joke but knows when to be serious. hopefully is not into drama and manipulation but has a sexy and nurturing personality.
  • 58 yr old male Looking for someone who thinks they can get my Motor going again!!! I Am a widower after 30 yrs. I have lost weight since the photo's were taken.

(Oops. Negativity. Must conquer that. Oh: there's a really high proportion of men with mustaches on the list)